Moaningful Confessions: Don't Download Grindr

Moaningful Confessions: Don't Download Grindr

Okay, some context: I’m a trans guy and at the time I was getting over my ex-boyfriend so I decided to download Grindr (don’t ever do that). I’d had quite a few people messaging me but only a select few were actually within a decent distance and I can’t drive so needed to rely on public transport.

Eventually, I scheduled to meet with a guy pretty early in the morning. There were a lot of red flags but it was just a hook-up so like, who gives a fuck. He gave me the address to his apartment, I showed up and he came out to meet me. Shit, he was ugly, but he bought me a coffee so I just gave up and went up with him to his apartment. Tit for tat, I guess.

We get to his room and it’s full of Harry Potter merch. Like, full of it. I assume he identifies as a Gryffindor judging by the decor. It was the bedsheets, the posters, a suitcase in the corner, and many of the outdated meme stickers on his laptop.

I don’t know why I stayed but we hooked up and that wand was a solid two inches. The condom was way too big for him but he used it anyway. Afterwards, he showed me pictures of him with his co-workers. Turns out he’s a legal defendant and the photo was of him in one of those white wigs and robes – no idea if it was real or not but he looked goofy as hell and in this framed photo of him he was squinting in the sunlight and actually making the face of the “do the roar” kid from Shrek.

He invited me to go get brunch with him and I said no. I walked directly from his apartment in the city to a Chemist Warehouse nearby to get a Plan B, because if there was going to be any risk it was NOT going to be with this guy.

Then I remembered there was another guy I’d matched with that might be better. I wanted redemption, especially after some particularly bad sex where I did all the work. So I messaged this other guy and he offered to come pick me up. I walked to where we were meeting and I heard a guy call my name from somewhere on my right. I look over, and he’s leaning out of a van motioning me over.

I went over, got in the van and we drove off somewhere. We parked on the side of the street and had sex in a bed that was in the back of his van. He was dripping sweat the whole time and definitely 50 years old. Upon leaving the van, I saw a birthday card addressed to him in a child’s handwriting so I’m 99% sure he had a wife and kids but mb ig.

After that I went home and deleted Grindr. 

I think I needed to get this out. Thanks team.

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2024.
Posted 5:18pm Sunday 25th February 2024 by Critic.