Horoscopes: Week 22

Horoscopes: Week 22


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius, learn what a fucking boundary is. You’ve been overstepping and it’s getting a little weird. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Beans on toast.


Feb 19 - Mar 20

It’s time to adopt a new form of conflict management and communication. Instead of internalising your feelings and being diplomatic, just start screaming at people like a rogue ferret. The blue moon got you fucked up. It’s time to unleash on the haters. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Lemon and garlic pasta. 


Mar 21 - Apr 19

Aries, now is the time to put your all into your secret passion project. It will be a good way to spend the upcoming sunny spring days. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Lemon green tea. 


Apr 20 - May 20

Be careful about the rumours you spread in this town. Word travels fast in your social circles, and it’s only a matter of time until people catch on. Good luck, babes. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Expired yoghurt. 


May 21 - Jun 20

Gemini, you’ve recently been dealing with a significant betrayal that’s left you feeling a little icky inside. Remember to trust your gut, and don’t let your kindness be taken as weakness. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Hash browns. 


Jun 21 - July 22

This week, try gaining a new personality. You can’t base your life on what those around you are doing. Never underestimate the importance of carving your own path and finding your purpose. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Guacamole and chips. 


July - Aug 22

Your wifi bill is overdue. Pay it before it starts cutting out and your flatmates begin hating you. 

Food to hyperfixate on: The classic french fry. 


Aug 23 - Sep 22

While you have a raging superiority complex and desire for perfection, some people in your life are bringing you down. Recognise those who may not be up to scratch, and re-evaluate those who you consider your nearest and dearest. Level up, motherfuckers! 

Food to hyperfixate on: Cream cheese and pesto bagels. 


Sep 23 - Oct 22

Libra, while it’s totally normal to get stressed, this doesn’t mean you can let people down. Remember that those around you have feelings too, and honour the promises you make. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Any baked goods. 


Oct 23 - Nov 21

Scorpio, you are gaslighting, gatekeeping and girlbossing in immeasurable ways. Keep sliving, slaying and serving. You’re an untouchable gem. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Subway. 


Nov 22 - Dec 21

Have some peanut butter this week, it’s nurturing for the soul. Allergic to peanuts? Grow up. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Peanut butter, duh.


Dec 22 - Jan 19

You should probably stop inserting yourself into other people's business. Normalise staying in your own lane. Not everyone wants to hear your bitch ass opinion. 

Food to hyperfixate on: Chicken nuggets. 

This article first appeared in Issue 22, 2023.
Posted 12:40pm Monday 11th September 2023 by Critic.