Vodka benefits from great PR and is likely the most renowned spirit in the world, despite it being pretty boring.
If you’re spending more than $60 on a bottle of vodka, you are a fool. That shit all tastes the same. “Wow, you can really taste that fourth filtration. It really did the trick!” I don’t believe you can taste the difference, and if you can, you need a new hobby.
Vodka is the favourite drink of two groups of people: 14-year-olds and functioning alcoholics. Where the hell are all of these 14 year olds getting all of that vodka? Probably from all the really cool alcoholics you meet in the park. If you’re over 14 and you’re sipping on vodka alone at home, I’m sorry to say, you’re also an alco. There’s definitely something cool about being a functional alcoholic when you’re young and attractive, but then one day you wake up looking like a bloated corpse with such intense rosacea in your cheeks that it looks like your face is trying to explode out of your face. And then it’s just sad.
The coolest way to drink vodka is by keeping those behind-the-counter, 375 ml flasks in the breast pocket of your jacket or your car's passenger seat glove box. If any of your workmates have to rush to their car to “take a phone call” multiple times a day, they’re definitely making a mid-day Moscow Mule. Not that I blame them. How the hell am I supposed to do all of this manual labour with the shakes? You want your aluminium facade nice and plumb don’t you?
Russian Standard
I’ll admit it, I miss Russian Standard. Sure, I understand why it’s not stocked anymore, but I’m petulant and I want a bottle of Russian Standard. I want it so I can patriotically (selfishly) pour it into the trash (myself) and then post on my Instagram story (pass out on my couch) about how “war is bad” (piss myself).
Ivanov
This is good if you’re in first-year and haven’t developed any semblance of self respect. The best vodkas are the ones you can barely taste, and Ivanov definitely has a taste to it. Not bad enough to stop you from drinking it, but enough to make you grimace like you just stepped in dog shit.
Vodka Lemon Lime Bitters
The ultimate drink for when you’re up in da club. Sipped through a straw, these last about three minutes on average. It’s like having a well-deserved half-time orange on a night out. If you order a VLLB and they use a syrup instead of Angostura Bitters, it’s time to go - they obviously do not respect the craft.
Tito’s Handmade Vodka
This is a great vodka for accidentally breaking lockdown rules on the last weekend of lockdown with your neighbour, falling and knocking over the glass bin on the street, telling your other neighbour to piss off when he tells you to pick up those bottles (like I wasn’t going to pick up the bottles, I’m drunk not inconsiderate) then polishing off two bottles of wine, to be hungover for two days. Those lockdowns really did a number on me.
Kristov
Baby’s first vodka. There needs to be more lower percentage alc/vol spirits along the lines of Kristov. At 13.9%, you can drink a bottle of this stuff and live to tell the tale. You can go into school the next Monday and big dick all your bros about how you totally drank a whole bottle of vodka and didn’t feel a thing. Sick.
Smirnoff
Does this even taste good? I don’t know. It’s just always there. The Regina George of alcohol, she’s popular and hot, but of what merit? Plus, I think I like her friends better.
Tasting notes: Like a cloud, a gasp, your sister painting her toenails.
Chugability: 8/10. It burns. Google image search “Denzel Washington chugging vodka”.
Hangover depression level: 3/10. It flies right through you. Why do you think it’s the drinkers choice of spirit?
Overall: 7/10. I like you, but I don’t “like” like you.