Horoscopes: Week 14

Horoscopes: Week 14


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Take a trip to Veggie Boys this week. Grocery prices are fucked, and you will probably need some nutrients after re-o. Leeks are good this time of year. 

Re-O Activity: Take shrooms and have a spiritual awakening. 


Feb 19 - Mar 20

Winter is always rough for you, there is no fun in the sun to be had. Try combatting your seasonal depression with pinot gris and a vision board to manifest a life outside of this shit hole. 

Re-O Activity: Being hot and mysterious at Carousel. 


Mar 21 - Apr 19

Troubled waters are on the horizon for you personally and professionally. In these circumstances, don’t let your emotional instability or hot temper make matters worse. 

Re-O Activity: Pint Night. 


Apr 20 - May 20

Nothing new to see here. Same semester, same you. Try not to let your irreverent cynicism bog others down this week. 

Re-O Activity: Your mum’s house. 


May 21 - Jun 20

Gemini, this week you should try gaining some self-awareness. While it’s fun to be delulu and exist in your own little world, it can at times be infuriating for those around you. 

Re-O Activity: Being feral in suburbia.


Jun 21 - July 22

It’s time to get your fucking ass into gear. There is no longer time for pissing around or procrastination. 

Re-O Activity: Road trip to Queenstown. 


July - Aug 22

Bills are expensive, but at least you’ve got a great ass. Do with that information what you will. 

Re-O Activity: Starting a side hustle (wink wink). 


Aug 23 - Sep 22

If you’re feeling stuck in a rut, perhaps it's time to reach out to an old friend or flame. It’s important to spice things up socially, and not be so stuck in routine. Messenger pigeons could perhaps be a good form of contact. 

Re-O Activity: Hosting a costume party. 


Sep 23 - Oct 22

People are fucking stupid and you’re in the pits. Take some time this week to plot and ponder on your world and those around you. You should also indulge in a pastry for a morning snack. 

Re-O Activity: Wine and reality television. 


Oct 23 - Nov 21

You’re actually kinda psychotic to be honest. 

Re-O Activity: Seeking vengeance on those who wronged you. 


Nov 22 - Dec 21

Being a ‘spiritual soul’ or ‘adventurous at heart’ isn’t an excuse for being a lazy fuck. Go do your dishes, please. When’s the last time you washed your sheets?

Re-O Activity: Blacking out on tequila shots. 


Dec 22 - Jan 19

It’s not your fault everyone around you isn’t as hard working and intelligent as you are. Heavy is the head that wears the crown - it’s almost as big as your ego. 

Re-O Activity: Blowing off your homies to buy crypto. 

This article first appeared in Issue 14, 2023.
Posted 1:33pm Sunday 9th July 2023 by Critic.