Jan 20 - Feb 18

It’s time to enter your problematic era. Start some shit, spread a rumor, call it how you see it. Take no prisoners this week, besties.

Scandal of the week: Pizzagate. 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

There is something about pisces and your ability to always be swimming in drama. Is it your fault? Is it your friends? Is it because you’re too tumultuous? I guess we’ll never know!

Scandal of the week: #Scandoval. 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Winter time! Time to head to the farmers market and make yourself some soup with fresh bread. It’s self care season, and you will need all the help you can get to recover from the shitstorm this semester has been.

Scandal of the week: Charles and Diana. 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Y’all need a getaway. It’s time to head out of dirty old Dunedin, and hit the road for some time away. On your journey, be sure to reflect and decompress your emotions in order to ensure you come back to town ready to slay.

Scandal of the week: Kanye interrupting Taylor circa 2009. 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

In the wise words of Wizards of Waverly Place: everything is not what it seems. Be sure to seek the truth, and don’t fall for what those around you may be doing, as shade may be thrown your way.

Scandal of the week: Will Smith Oscars slap. 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

The home is very important to cancers, so it’s no wonder you’re the most controlling and annoying flatmate of all. Stop sending passive aggressive messages to the flat chat, and drop the grudges you’ve been holding since January.

Scandal of the week: Tom Cruise and Scientology.

Leo

July - Aug 22

Leo, not everyone actually needs to know the graphic details of your sex life. Try engaging in some more fulfilling and intellectually stimulating conversation, form some opinions of your own.

Scandal of the week: The Lewinsky scandal.  

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

You need a reality check. You have spent enough time fucking around this semester, and it’s time to get your ass into gear, and head to Central Library for the exam grind. It’s either that or failure, which I know you hate.

Scandal of the week: Spitgate. 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

Being delusional never hurt anyone, enjoy your stupid fantasies! Life is too short for partaking in reality #delulu x

Scandal of the week: Patrick Stump’s mugshot. 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

You need to chill on the Instagram posts. No one is that invested about your, your outfits, or your coffee photos. It’s time to recognise your inflated sense of self-importance.

Scandal of the week: Hailey Baldwin/Selena Gomez Feud. 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

Had a sag man at a pub quiz last week tell me he’s upset about how mean the sagittarius horoscopes have been. Stay pressed, king.

Scandal of the week: Andrew Tate getting done for human trafficking. 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Why are you so critical? How about you lighten up and spread some positive vibes for once? No one likes a negative nelly.

Scandal of the week: Spy Balloons.