Riot Punch is the perfect drink to serve during half-time at a 3rd XV highschool rugby game.
Riot Punch is an evil alchemy, being both incredibly easy to execute and terrifyingly effective. Through many years of painstaking research, a perfect recipe was developed: cheap vodka paired with blue Powerade. Any ratio of the two is a well-made drink, so refine your mix until you can sip without retching. Dubbed ‘Riot Punch’ because if a brawl breaks out you’ll be the only one prepared with an erection.
If you’re drinking Riot Punch it serves two purposes: to get as drunk as humanly possible while still standing on your feet, and to ensure you’ve drunk enough Powerade to stave off any hangover in the morning. I’m no food scientist, but I am 100% sure that they would agree with my theory of preloading electrolytes in order to prevent hangovers. Like some kind of alcoholic bear preparing for the morning after hibernation. The hypothesis is simple, and the results are profound. Source: me.
This drink is no simple Saturday night mix; you can’t sit around watching rugby while sipping this yak. This is for that long-haul bender where you are determined to not fuck out. The vodka and Powerade synergising to float you along the knive’s edge of bastardom: vodka for all your dumb fucking drunken ideas and an Ion4 formula to help you execute them. Your body will enter into autopilot and operate without a conscious thought for upwards of eight hours, and there is no chance of you remembering any of it. Think of it like an early onset dementia simulator.
A few years ago I had bumped into two guys at a party - both drinking Riot Punch - and I commended them on their choice of drink. They both looked at me funny and asked if I remembered them. I did not. They told me about how the previous year we had met at a party where I was trashed off of the Punch, and they thought it was such a good idea that they had been drinking it ever since. And then everyone clapped. How profound: to have such an impact on two people's lives when you can’t even remember meeting them. Sort of like blanking on your own father’s name while you’re giving his eulogy.
If you want to have as much fun as possible with as little physical repercussions the next day, I recommend Riot Punch. While your physical ailments are nil, the mental anguish of not knowing what you did for a full work day is the trade-off. Perfect for those that were gonna behave badly anyway, or just simply want to forget.
Tasting notes: Hit the Chug Jug.
Chugability: 8/10. Like a prolonged shot that lasts the whole night.
Hangover depression level: 4/10. How good are you at handling anxiety?
Overall: 6/10. Not for weekly consumption.