Horoscopes: Week 9

Horoscopes: Week 9



Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius, it’s time to wake up. Someone in your close circle may be up to no good, so it’s time to reevaluate who is in your nearest and dearest posse.

Bar to visit: Woof! 


Feb 19 - Mar 20

And first of all, I wanna thank me.

Bar to visit: Carousel. 


Mar 21 - Apr 19

Feeling down? It’s time to put some yee into your haw, and get back on the horse that is life. Optimism and encouragement only!

Bar to visit: Pequeño. 


Apr 20 - May 20

You break it, you buy it baby! But you’re about to come into some serious cash, so go nuts.

Bar to visit: Dunedin Social Club.


May 21 - Jun 20

Gemini, life is a balancing act, and you have been succeeding in doing so. While you are unhinged, you are also studious. Also, eat a vegetable.

Bar to visit: Albar. 


Jun 21 - July 22

Cancer, it’s time to WAKE UP and start TAKING ACTION. You can’t sit in your room rotting away forever. It’s time to engage in society.

Bar to visit: The Mornington Tavern.


July - Aug 22

Feeling broke? Tough luck, bitch. Maybe you should have invested in crypto.

Bar to visit: The Baaa Bar.


Aug 23 - Sep 22

Virgo, looks like new love is on the horizon! You’ve had some rather traumatic relationship experiences, so hopefully your new special someone isn’t a gaslighting prick. Stay aware while catching those feelings!

Bar to visit: The Craic. 


Sep 23 - Oct 22

Libra, it’s normal to feel frustrated. Not everyone can be as cool and swag and slay as you. It’s a hard knock life, being that bitch.

Bar to visit: Eureka. 


Oct 23 - Nov 21

You are feeling spiritually impoverished. The cozzie lives seem to be getting the best of you, perhaps it’s time to start growing your own veggies and lay off on the alcohol for a while.

Bar to visit: Yours (there’s no alcohol x) 


Nov 22 - Dec 21

Oftentimes, you lot can come across as the biggest ‘pick me’s’ this godforsaken world has ever seen. Use this week to try to find your own identity, and get off TikTok.

Bar to visit: Eleven Bar lol 


Dec 22 - Jan 19

Feeling indecisive? It’s okay, you can’t be in control all the time. Try to let the universe guide you, there is no need to have a straight-laced plan. Flip a coin. Let go.

Bar to visit: Zanzibar. 

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2023.
Posted 4:20pm Sunday 30th April 2023 by Critic.