Summer Lovin' - 11
JAY Z
I was all spruced up and raring to go. Even got to Toast early! A few drinks to calm the nerves and got some advice from the bartender. Got told the appletini was a no go, a little too Sex and the City. My date was fashionably late but I didn’t mind. She came in looking like the goddess that she was. I was worried that she would be absolutely drunk; luckily for me she was sober, hot and had a killer smile.
We started with a shaker, not sure what was in it but she seemed to like it. Turns out she does Zoology and seemed to genuinely think that me doing Accounting was cool. Must have been my dashing good looks. A few drinks of the shaker later and we were talking quite freely about anything and everything. I felt so relaxed with her and was having a good time. We talked about Jersey Shore and The O.C and how neither of us watch them. Had an interesting conversation about DTF (down to f@$%), accounting and Latin America as well. By this stage that I began to realise that her beauty was not only skin deep; she was also intelligent and rather sweet.
Out of nowhere the guy sitting in the booth behind us (an Adam Lambert wannabe) crashed our conversation and just wouldn’t leave. This started to get very, very awkward especially when he followed my date to the bathroom and tried to convince her I was gay. In an attempt to keep her attention on me, and not leaving me to the hands of our intruder, I pulled out my best line; “Ignore everyone else, I’m the best thing since fairy bread”. That got her to smile. Eventually the other guy left us alone and we were able to enjoy the rest of our evening.
We wanted to do something different and crazy like dancing on the bar but unfortunately there wasn’t anywhere that we could go to do that on a Tuesday night. So we decided to go to Di Lusso next for more cocktails. Unfortunately all that we’d been drinking had started to hit my date, so we had to call it a night. Ah well, she wanted my number. Not bad for a first blind date.
Thanks Critic for a great night!
BEYONCE
The night began with a cheeky vino. Or two. Or six. I thought a preliminary drive-by to suss out my date would ease my anxiety; unfortunately this did nothing to calm my nerves when I spotted a triad-esque group lingering outside . At this stage it looked like I was doomed to have a date with a gang member and end up being stabbed and left in a gutter in some deserted street. I bypassed the oriental group, strolled/stumbled up to the bartender and asked if my date from Critic was there, and to my delight a deep manly voice behind chimed in and I did a slow motion pivot on the spot, like you would see in the movies, to lay my eyes on my Romeo. I promiscuously/sloppily fell into the seat opposite him, eyeing him up absentmindedly as he went through the formalities of getting to know each other. In no real state to offer intelligent conversation, I stuck to smiling and nodding. We started discussing past Summer Lovin’ articles; an awkward moment arose when he proceeded to tell me how sad he thought it was people turned up to their date drunk, which was my cue to act sober.
The date was going fairly well, at least that’s what I have been able to deduce in hindsight, as we were quickly using up the bar tab we had been entrusted with. It turns out that the more alcohol you drink, the drunker you get!
I departed for the toilet momentarily to have a discussion (spew) with the porcelain, where I was accosted by an Adam Lambert lookalike who proceeded to tell me that my date was radiating a very gay vibe, and in all honesty I found that a rather contradictory statement. By this stage I came to the realisation that my drunkenness was beyond help and rather than create an even worse first impression than I already had, I phoned for help. Unfortunately my exit strategy turned up in more of a state than I was in and with some, as my date coined it, “Shortland Street acting” pretending to be my disgruntled ex-boyfriend.
Eventually after leaving to another bar, another of my other friends came in and simply told him the truth: that I was too intoxicated to carry on. And then we both took poison and died, immortalising our love.