News

Exams are closing in, and the impending tests have taken their inevitable toll on the first-years and their antics, making this week’s installment a little hard to produce. But never fear we’ve managed to dig up enough dish to make this another quality piece in the country’s Best Student Magazine.

We start with a survey of the damage from UMAT results. UMAT, for the uninitiated, is the Undergraduate Medical and Health Science Admission Test, and it is fucking important if you want to be worth anything in life and not spend most of your late twenties at the local WINZ office. Basically, bad UMAT = no Med School.
   One devastated diva who didn’t make the grade stayed in her room for two days, refusing food through extended sobs and loud questioning along the lines of “Why me?” Eventually her friends managed to drag her out for a feed, but didn’t make it past the bottle store. Apparently the self-loathing bender continued for days.
   Another male fail was so gutted that he trashed his room, ripping all of his study posters of his wall, getting drunk, and then pissing all over them. He is currently under strict prohibition at his Hall, which wishes to remain unnamed. 
   The last UMAT story goes to a student who got their marks back, and thought they had done really well. The poor (dumb) fresher found out at dinner that they had actually read their results wrong and they had done spectacularly shit, prompting them to run from the room wailing hysterically. We’re actually quite glad this one won’t be getting into Med because we could see some possible issues with the whole reading charts thing.
   In other, unrelated first-year hijinks, two Unicol residents are suffering after being walked in on by friends performing a standing 69. Whilst the positioning was not specified, for the purpose of a funny mental image Critic speculates that the boy was the 9. This story is nicely complemented by a little piece from Arana involving two boys, one girl, the Botanic Gardens, and thrusting. Lots of thrusting.
   And lastly, residents from a Hall near to the hospital were bored of the practice of shelving (rectally absorbing drugs), and have entrepreneurially extended their anal acrobatics to the imbibing of beer through a purpose-made funnel. Nice.