News in Briefs | Issue 7

World Watch

Moscow, Russia
A Russian toy shop has launched an advertising campaign based on a KGB interrogation. The advert shows a brother and sister interrogating their parents in a darkened room. The boy paces the room with a wooden hammer before telling his parents: “You have left us no choice. We’ll have to up the pressure.”

Dancing in public squares is a popular activity in China, especially among older women. However, the government is set to regulate these dancing geriatrics as they disturb others with loud music. Any groups wishing to gather in public squares to dance will now be limited to 12 government-approved routines.

Istanbul, Turkey
An 84-year-old woman is due to graduate from university 64 years after first enrolling. Fatma Mihriban Aktari was admitted to a course in fine arts at Istanbul’s Mimar Sinan University in 1951 but was forced to drop out when full-time attendance was made compulsory, as she was working to support her widowed mother.

A large rock, that some claim to be an “elf-church” has had to be moved in Iceland to make way for a new road. Work was stopped on the road in 2013 when campaigners said it would disturb the culturally important “elf habitat”.

Saudi Arabia
165,000 couples have decided not to get married in the last year in Saudi Arabia after receiving test results showing they are “genetically incompatible”. The tests are mandatory for couples intending to marry, with the aim of reducing the risk of parents passing on illnesses or genetic conditions to their children.

New Plymouth, New Zealand
Classical music has been used to get rid of “riff-raff” from the front steps of New Plymouth’s library. In the past, concerns over anti-social behaviour have been raised by the library and its users, and have even forced a 24-hour liquor ban in the CBD. However, the sounds of classical music over specially installed speakers appear to have driven away the undesirables.

Pyongyang, North Korea
French-trained chefs are cooking for the privileged classes in North Korea, with baguettes supposedly being a favourite, as much of the population outside the capital struggles to feed itself. The chefs were sent to France last year as part of a drive for North Korea to become a world-class food country.

Louisiana, United States
A Louisiana man has been placed in custody after shooting his 18-year-old son in the buttocks during a fight over orange juice. Eldridge Dukes faces charges of attempted manslaughter and illegal use of a weapon after the father and son argued about the lack of orange juice at their home.

St Helens, United Kingdom
British police are hunting for thieves who broke into an apartment and stole 38 royal python snakes. The snakes grow to an average length of 1.2–1.5 metres and make great pets as they have good temperaments and are easy to tame.



“I will be addressing the specific complaints that I have received, in accordance with the Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security Act. But there is also a clear need to provide as much factual information to the complainants, and to the wider public, as is possible.”
Cheryl Gwyn, the Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security, has announced she will investigate complaints over the alleged spying by New Zealand spy agencies on New Zealanders working or travelling in the South Pacific. Documents were released on 5 March that showed New Zealand was spying on its Pacific neighbours and passing the data collected on to an American spy agency.

“Parents, be aware of Demonic crisps. Demons, skeletons and vampires — these are the new variants of Cheetos snacks. All under the guise of innocent family fun. Is this not dabbling in the dangerous world of demons?”
Father Slawomir Kostrzewa, a Polish priest, has warned against eating the new range of Cheetos chips that has demons and skeletons on the packet. The right-wing priest has previously caused controversy by saying that Lego represented a “world of death”.

“It was not until the curtain was lifted that the audience saw Enriquez standing on a small stage, in a black business suit, with his hands cuffed to waist chains and his legs in shackles. After the handcuffs were removed, Enriquez revealed that he was serving two life sentences for murder...”
Los Angeles Police Commission Inspector General Alexander Bustamante. The Los Angeles Young Presidents’ Organisation, a network of young chief executives, had a mystery guest at its January meeting. The speaker began his lecture from behind a screen before being revealed as a former Mexican mafia hitman, Rene Enriquez. The Los Angeles police spent $22,000 and 60 hours planning on the speech. Enriquez regularly teaches criminal justice courses at the University of California.

“We’re not going from Satan to God — we’re driving the other way. We’re ready to fuck someone up, but not because of drugs or something. We have different values. We’re for the motherland.”
Alexander Zaldostanov, the leader of a Russian motorbike gang, the Night Wolves, has pledged his allegiance to President Putin. The Night Wolves have gone from introducing Western biker culture into Russia to being one of the leaders of a wave of anti-Western patriotism. Alexander Zaldostanov, the leader of the gang, is a close friend of President Putin and welcomes the motorbike gang’s movement into the political sphere.

“I picked it up and it was airtight so I didn’t question it. At first I thought it was a ball of soggy crisps. When I realised what it was, everyone in the office laughed.”
Richard Bootman, a customer at discount supermarket chain, Aldi, in the United Kingdom, was shocked when he opened a pack of chips and found a whole potato inside. Aldi apologised and offered Bootman a full refund for his chips.


Facts & Figures

The Irish
report the lowest annual number of UFO sightings in Europe.

One in 20
people has an extra rib.

bought Alaska from Russia for two cents an acre.

20 seconds
is the time the average female orgasm lasts, whereas the average male orgasm lasts only 6 seconds.

11 years old
is the age of the youngest pope.

of girls in Bangladesh are married by the age of 18

45 million turkeys
are consumed each year at Thanksgiving in America.

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2015.
Posted 2:51pm Sunday 12th April 2015 by Magnus Whyte.