On Saturday, January 21, at around 11:15pm, trouble was brewing on State Highway 1. Biff*, an Aussie bloke with the mullet to prove it, was about to try his hand as a traffic director, steering cars away from a breathalyser station just down the road.
Biff was staying at the Leviathan, a hotel with a view of two cop stop locations on State Highway 1: one opposite Toitū and another on the way towards New World Centre City. Seeing the cop stop in action riled Biff, who, in his own words, was “pretty drunk”, and “just [doesn’t] like good people losing their licence for trivial shit.” So he took matters into his own hands.
“Well… when I saw them setting up, I noticed all the witches’ hats on the other one way street and decided to gather them up and divert the traffic down a turning lane before they ran into the booze bus.” A surveillance camera caught him in the act, orange-handed, according to a photo the police shared with Biff.
Before long, police began to realise that the steady flow of punters going home had ceased, and they began to investigate. A police officer from the “trap” walked down the road and, seeing Biff redirecting traffic, apparently attempted to apprehend him. But Biff was too quick, fleeing and ditching the cop at Vogel Street.
“They chased me on foot from the scene,” said Biff. “When they sent the cars out, I climbed a tree to hide. One parked almost directly underneath me for about 15-20 minutes.” Biff said that the cops were so close, he “could see them through the window.” Eventually the coast was clear, and he “climbed down and walked over the overpass [and back to the Leviathan]”.
That’s where Critic Te Ārohi met him, at the overpass. With no knowledge of what had just transpired, we asked him about his night – not expecting the epic tale Biff had to offer. Alas, the next day brought sobering news: when Biff got back to his hotel room, the cops were waiting for him. “They got me walking back in that night. Locked me up for ‘endangering traffic’. Didn't get out till after 8am the next morning.”
Police were less amused, telling Stuff’s Hamish McNeilly that they had given Biff two prior warnings that night, and that, with regard to road cones: “If it’s not yours, don’t interfere with it”, which is neither the first nor the last time they’ll be giving that advice.
Biff is set to appear in Dunedin District Court before the week is out.
*Name changed