Slimy Nitrate Monster Running for Otago Regional Council

Slimy Nitrate Monster Running for Otago Regional Council

Suggests we fill the swamp, denies affiliation to Shrek

Slime, a “nitrate monster” that describes itself as “green, slimy, and luscious,” wants to be the first non-human on the Otago Regional Council (ORC). Its goal? Money, at all costs. Graciously, Slime took a break from busily expanding its reign over Aotearoa’s waterways to sit down with Critic Te Ārohi to talk fertiliser and world domination.

For legal reasons, Slime is listed on the ballot paper under its old human form’s name. Much like the Harley Quinn origin story of a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed scientist emerging transformed from a vat of toxic chemicals, Slime was once apparently “Jenn Shulzitski,” a nature-loving ecologist. Tragically, pollution from a Taranaki nitrogen fertiliser plant meant “she became very sick, never to be seen again…[now] Slime the Nitrate Monster lives in her place.” Slime confirmed it was a fan of our “human” comics with similar stories.

Sipping on a glass of alarmingly green water during the interview, apparently from the Manuherikia River, “which is luscious in green slime right now,” Slime told Critic Te Ārohi that it will be running on a platform of good old-fashioned traditional values. It quickly clarified, though, that “tradition” meant “the last 50 years, [where] we have used fossil fuels to expand cow populations and create amazing pollution in our rivers which has allowed me to grow.” It emphasised tradition certainly did not mean “the ten thousand years of human agriculture when we didn’t need synthetic fertilisers”. 

While some candidates may try to hide their funders and supporters, Slime was admirably upfront about who’s helping its campaign along, taking the opportunity to thank their “friends”: irrigation and fertiliser companies, as well as Otago’s ratepayers who subsidise these industries. It also gave a shout-out to their “peers who currently sit on the ORC, who ask for more science in order to delay anything that would cause me to lose my hold!” We stan our STEM queens. While it admitted that its desire to keep Otago’s rivers slimy was certainly a conflict of interest, it didn’t feel the need to disclose it, pointing to the ORC’s apparent track record in its defence.

The biggest issue in Otago right now, according to Slime, are “young humans” wanting to “swim in rivers” and “drink clean water”. Slime had a clear message for them: “I am here to ask the young university students to please stay home [during] this upcoming election. Please make sure you do not get involved or voice your opinions in the election, because there can be NOTHING that hampers my continuing domination over your land and water and air.” Based on students’ dismal turn-outs to anything even vaguely-politics related, Critic Te Ārohi suggests Slime has nothing to worry about.

Impressed by the political nous of this pile of sentient slime, Critic Te Ārohi asked it whether it had any aspirations beyond the ORC. Tucked into its rivers at night, did it ever dream of world domination? “You know, I have…this could only be the beginning,” it replied hopefully. Slime, apparently, is just one of many like it, spending their days oozing through rivers and schmoozing its friends all over the motu. “We are working together, we have allies and are connected to a lot of money.” Before you ask, though, Shrek did not seem to be included among Slime’s swampy friends. Maybe he’s too proletariat. 

This article first appeared in Issue 21, 2022.
Posted 6:38pm Friday 2nd September 2022 by Nina Brown.