Features

Critic enlists a (very eager) OUSA Exec to run round town and assess the ‘safety’ of Dunedin’s various drinking establishments. Very important work, of course.

Gardies
As Shakespeare would have put it: “Alas, poor Gardies, I knew it well (and so did you).” For as everyone now knows, the University has purchased the esteemed watering hole in its octopus-like effort to send tentacles further into the heart of Studentville, so this will be the last time Critic reviews Gardies. Ever.
In its favour, Gardies did enquire about the ages of our prospective drunkards, even if they didn’t have anyone on the door. The Licensing and Duty Manager formalities were observed, and the place was comfortable and warm. Smokers can take heart from the vast amount of (outdoor) ashtrays. There was also a basket of electronically-tested condoms on the bar, so anyone wanting to have sex with electronic equipment can rest assured that they won’t catch Chlamydia.
Speaking of Gardies, condoms, and sexually-transmitted conditions, one reviewer blew up a condom and stuck it under her shirt to imitate pregnancy, then did tequila shots (testing whether anyone was uncomfortable serving alcohol to a pregnant woman). Alcohol was duly served, but then again, the pseudo-baby-foetus-thing was not that convincing to anyone who was not themselves drunk.
Another thing about Gardies was the female toilet situation (the men’s toilet being clean and uneventful – the way toilets, contrary to popular belief, were always intended to be). The female members of the review team expressed concern at the lack of hot water and soap, having to go out the door to dry one’s hands, and, interestingly, the presence of a couple of “very substantial” Glory Holes. 
Overall rating: 3.5/5
 
The Baaa
Not initially on the proposed list, but pragmatically added at the last minute: why walk from Gardies to the Cook in one go when there is a pub on the way? While there was a door ID check here, the bar staff (unlike Gardies) did notice when one of our team wandered outside with a drink. Beer-glass collectors, be warned.
The Baaa’s atmosphere was generally agreed to be “local.” This meant sport on the telly and Kiwi blokes crowding around pool tables. It also meant a slightly seedy, white-bearded, mulleted, old-guy-in-a-brown-jacket good naturedly talking about Europe in the men’s toilets (toilets that are, incidentally, labeled “Rams” and “Ewes”). How that guy escaped from South Dunedin we’ll never know.
The Baaa takes a responsible approach to displaying Liquor Licence and Duty Manager paraphernalia: if Critic liked puns, we’d say the Baaa is certainly not trying to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. But Critic doesn’t like puns, so we’ll refrain. We can also report (though not first-hand) that the female toilets are amazing, with soap and a clean, full-length mirror. They also, apparently, smell like pine.
Food-wise, the Baaa does a decent offering (they are keen on shepherd’s pie), though this judgment is derived from their B-grade food rating, rather than from sampling the food; the 20-30 minutes Critic spent there didn’t really allow an extensive analysis of the culinary side of things.
Overall rating: 3.5/5
 
The Captain Cook Tavern
Nine years older than the University itself, Critic was expecting the same high standards from the Cook as the esteemed institution over the road. First impressions: the paint job – it is not flattering. Change it back already. On the bright side, this was the first pub to have Monteith’s on tap.
Despite a strict approach to age-based IDing (one 27-year-old reviewer was asked), two of Critic’s review team mysteriously swapped IDs and this was not picked up. Naughty Cook. They also let in a drunken acquaintance, but told her not to drink any more, perhaps figuring that intoxicated individuals are not really supposed be served, but do add to the ambiance.  
The Cook toilets were the worst of the night, with the female ones lacking soap or locks. The men’s toilet lacks a seat, which has been the case for years. How hard is it to replace a toilet seat? Maybe they’re hoping that whoever stole it will eventually give it back. 
There was food on offer (until 10.30pm); Critic, while getting peckish, decided against getting something solid. In case anyone’s curious about The Cook’s rating, it’s a C. But as the Cook’s clientele could tell you, C’s get Degrees!  
This was also Critic’s last effort at the pregnant woman routine. Nothing happened. Which implies one of two things: either Dunedin student pubs don’t mind serving pregnant women, or a severely-stretched condom does not make for a good pretend foetus. Probably the latter.
Overall rating: 2.5/5
 
South Bar
Critic has heard of bad experiences involving getting groped on South Bar’s dance floor. Happily, there weren’t really any clientele on the dance floor during our stop, though the bartender did say that the place gets busy around midnight. In the meantime, when it’s not busy, South is a nice atmospheric place to hang out for a quiet drink – we’ve always liked the outdoor fireplace. The place does pizza, which is available all night. One reviewer also got a free Coke by playing the sober driver card, which just goes to show that taking one for the team needn’t be a misery.
South checks IDs at the door, which is good, but didn’t notice the classic swapped ID routine, which is bad. Either Critic’s reviewers look more alike than they think (which has disturbing implications), or those IDs need to be studied more closely.
South’s toilets may be compared with fridges: not because of coldness, but because the lights turn on as you enter. Very nifty. They were also clean, had soap, and had intact seating.
By this point, time and alcohol consumption inevitably led to a slight drop-off in note taking, but the review team soldiered on regardless. We did, after all, have a job to do.
Overall rating: 4/5
 
The Monkey Bar
The Den of Iniquity keeps decent tabs on who they let in. By this stage the review team was ready for anything, and took the swapped IDs thing to a new level, not only swapping IDs but then handing them to another reviewer to re-use. The spoil-sport bouncers spotted that one, so there was a fair bit of re-IDing people until we were allowed to enter the gates of … if not Hell, then at least a very old church.
The place was pretty much empty, apart from Critic, the bar staff, and the brave guy doing the guitar-playing. Of note are the numerous RTD drink specials, and the B food rating.
The thing about the Monkey Bar’s toilets is that if you don’t already know where they are, finding them may require either a ball of string or bread crumbs. Fortunately the bar staff will happily steer you away from any broom closets you accidentally blunder into. The toilets themselves were in reasonable condition, though a functional tap would have been, well, nice.
Overall rating: 3/5
 
The Break
The Break was doing ID check at the door, and didn’t notice the swapped IDs. 
This place is renowned for its dance floor, which on busy nights gives the sort of claustrophobia that you normally don’t see this side of Copa’s toilets, but was fairly quiet the night Critic visited.
Food-wise, there was some available, again with a B rating (it’s nature’s way of saying that everyone’s food is better than the Cook’s). A little bird told Critic that the Break is also fairly tolerant of people bringing in food from Countdown.
The Break toilets continue the pleasing trend of generally good pub toilets: clean, lockable, and with soap available. They’re also easy to find.
Overall rating: 3.5/5
 
The Chop
The wedges were tasty, if lacking in the sour cream department. Backstage, er, the New Bowler’s, er, the Chop’s toilets are nothing to write home about, but they were functional, broadly clean, and peculiarly spacious. 
Overall rating: 3/5
 
Metro
Yes, Hell indeed had frozen over: Metro’s toilets were broadly hygienic. Frankly, that in itself was enough to warrant a stiff drink, because last year when Critic inspected, Metro’s toilets were the Mordor of the Toilet World.
Metro, no longer having a toxic dump downstairs, was fairly busy, and the dance floor was in action; this was perhaps the busiest place Critic went to all night.
Overall rating: 3/5
 
The Craic
No ID at door (and it was quite late in the night, but decent toilets. Atmosphere was nice enough – the fire is a pleasant touch – and the place was fairly busy, but Critic had no great desire to stay beyond what was strictly needed.
Overall rating: 3/5
 
Ten Bar
IDs and stamps (just like a school visit to the dentist!) at the door. By this stage Critic was very keen on dancing, so Ten Bar’s dance floor was thoroughly investigated. The toilets may have been manky, but memories were understandably becoming a bit blurred.
Overall rating: 3/5
 
Bath Street
Bath Street was the last stop of the evening (not counting the obligatory trip to Macca’s). For those interested in mitigating hangovers, Bath Street has jugs of water and glasses available at the bar. Critic can report that the toilets were pretty clean.
Overall rating: 3.5/5 
 
By Dan Stride (Clubs and Socs Rep) with ‘reporting’ by Mike Anderson (Science Rep), Stephanie Reader (Education Officer), Shonelle Eastwood (Women’s Rep), Rosalin Mackenzie (Queer Rep), Ari Te Wake (Maori Rep)