- Name: Jess
- 18 years old. Has a REAL I.D.
- Also seen in: St David, Arana, Central Library.
- Lives on Vodka Cruisers and Jägerbombs.
- Shows up at 9:30.
- Has way too much energy.
- Puts everything on daddy’s credit card but still complains about being “a broke student”.
- Name: Marcus
- Wannabe music elitist.
- Will make fun of you for not knowing Mac DeMarco and Kane Strang.
- Thinks $5 is a good deal for a handle.
- Waited 40 minutes to get in. Trying to convince himself it was worth it.
- Very good at doing a sober face to trick the bouncer.
- Name: Kat
- Actual music elitist.
- Real name is Kate, but dropped the “e” because it’s too mainstream.
- Identifies as non-binary.
- Has very strong opinions about the ‘New Dunedin Sound’. Not clear whether she’s for or against.
- Doesn’t drink any beer you can find in a supermarket.
- Wears fancy shoes and a gross-looking jacket that cost $300.
Dunedin Social Club:
- Name: Stu
- Wears brown leather jackets to pair with his beard.
- Uses words like “hops,” “aromatics” and “mouthfeel”.
- Refers to Speight’s as “GMA” so it sounds fancy.
- Thinks drinking craft beer gives him a personality. It doesn’t.
- Name: Steve
- 29 but still hits on freshers.
- Desperate for a pash tonight. Won’t get a pash.
- Surrounded by the alluring aroma of Pall Malls.
- Even his mates consider him a pest. They ditched him to go to Social Club.
- Name: Steve
- Couldn’t get a pash at Suburbia.
- Can’t get one here either, despite trapping a fresher girl in a corner for 3 minutes.
- Drinks dark beer to suit his personality.
- Name: Gus
- Age: 18 but looks 30; or 30 but acts 18. Either way it’s not good.
- Dropped $20 on the TAB. Watched the wrong horse race (he bet on a dog).
- Drinks $8.50 jugs of Baa Draught, after pre-drinking SoGos.
- Doesn’t know any better.
- When you catch him playing the pokies in there at 4pm on a Tuesday, he makes up a hasty lie about waiting for some laundry to be finished at the launderette across the street.
- Wants you to know that his drinking team has a rugby problem.
- Name: Erica
- Says she’s “not like other girls”.
- Is pretty much like most girls.
- Will have a vodka lime and soda please but only if you’re also buying one for her perpetually unlucky-in-love friend Hannah. They are a two-girl wolf pack after a few wines, you see.
- Name: Meghan
- Is above going to the student bars and listening to top 40 now that she has a job in HR.
- Goes to live jazz nights and shouts loudly over the music (because even though she’s too good for top 40, she’s definitely not smart enough for jazz).
- What she really wants is to go to Carousel but had a falling out with Erica and Hannah, so isn’t keen to show her face there anymore.
- Name: Thom
- 31 but dressed in NOM*d and beanies so looks about 28.
- Definitely has a French Bulldog.
- Doesn’t like the commercial street art around town because it’s not underground enough.
- Half the girls in Dunedin are in love with him but he only dates super artistic cool manic pixie dream girls.
- Hangs out at Slick Willy’s on a weekday drinking coffee and talking to his super cool friend who works there.
- Name: Amy
- Is into gaming.
- Is not into being around lots of people.
- Enjoys podcasts and food purchased from caravans.
- Will most definitely come back to yours for a bong.
- Low-key considering trying some standup comedy next year but is still planning her set (it’s going to be really good though so watch this space).
- Name: Shane
- Age: 49
- Is on ACC because he “did his back in,” therefore keeps a strict 10am - 5pm pub schedule.
- Reads the ODT at the same table that he sits at every day while watching the horses.
- Is starting to get really worried because when Heff’s closes his entire world will be flipped upside down.
- Is incredibly sexist, racist and into Bathurst.