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If you’re a first-year, you’ve probably started the flat-hunting process already. But chances are the people you’ve chosen to flat with are dicks, and you’ll end up wanting to kill them. Sam White shares some handy hints for picking your crew and avoiding any awkward homicidal incidents.

When it comes to flatting as a student, there are always going to be horror stories. However, I was never actually told any before I started study, and was sort of thrown into the deep end when it came to picking the people I was to live with. I had no experience and no idea of what to expect at all. Whenever I tried to press my sister for details about how badly flatting can go, she always replied with the same answer: “no, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Geez, it must have been bad. Still, you’d think that as an older sibling she’d have some great advice on how to pick your flatmates and not end up in a sticky situation. She was there for everything else, but when it came to helping me live as an adult with other people, her advice was sadly lacking.

For better or worse, I had to navigate the tough world of flatting on my own, and it came with some consequential lessons. That’s why I am writing this: if you’re thinking of flatting next year and are new to this mixed up world, or even if you’re a pro and just had a bad year, I have some tips on how to pick your mates. Half of me would rather see you struggle to survive and go down like the Titanic the same way I had to, but the other half of me is nice, and wants to help you avoid the sorts of people I got stuck with.

The first type of person to avoid living with is your best friend. If you decide to live with your best friend, you’re going to have a bad time. Even if you think you know them well, there is a high chance that you’ll end up hating each other. They’ll likely do something you won’t like or their opinion won’t match yours (particularly when it comes to money or, God forbid, dishes), and you’ll end up arguing as a result.

As besties, you’re used to telling each other everything: who you like, who you slept with and who pisses you off. If it so happens that you’re pissing each other off, however, it’s hard to talk about, and this can lead to some serious tension. I’ve seen best friends fall apart and never talk again because of flatting. It’s a bad idea so it’s best to avoid this situation when first starting out.

Following on from that, an even worse idea is to live with a couple – especially young couples. See, couples like to share things. They like to share things like a bedroom, and because of this often think they should each pay less rent. The thing is, they still use the rest of the house, and, even worse, get more sex than you. Hardly seems fair, right? They may also decide to pay for only half the power each because they have showers together and you get to have one long shower in the morning all to yourself. Okay, that’s a stretch but it can ring true to some extent.

The other thing with couples is that if they argue (which they will even if they’re “in love”), the chance are you’re going to end up being a part of their argument. Whether you’re forced to pick a side or you have to get off the couch so they have a place to spend the night instead of their room, it will become your problem too. So, if you do flat with a couple, charge them each the same amount. If they don’t like it, then they don’t have to live with you. The crap they can pull is not worth them paying less rent.

Another way to pick flatmates is to make sure you actually have some shared interests, and are therefore likely to get along. Don’t live with someone who is your polar opposite. Examples include not living with someone who is obsessively clean when you’re a bit lazy when it comes to cleaning. Don’t live with someone who likes to drink (a lot) and someone who studies all night and cries if they only get a B+. And certainly don’t live with a closet gay guy and a Youth Pastor. (I wish I’d made that last one up.)

My final tip for picking a flatmate is to remember that if who you’re considering living with has one little flaw that annoys you or worries you even to the tiniest degree, that flaw will blow up if you live with them. It will become ten times worse and be in your face every single day. There is no denying it.

If you choose to live with someone you know is kind of messier or lazier than you, they’ll be absolutely filthy when you live with them. If someone you know likes to tell far-fetched stories, then living with them will make for some very interesting reasons as to why or how your food, deodorant or vodka went missing. If you know someone to be slightly financially unstable, then living with them will result in missing rent and late power bills. And if you know someone to have been born and raised by mother and father’s money in the middle of Auckland, it’s unlikely that this particular individual will cope with the freezing temperatures of Dunedin and will have no issue blasting the heat pump every single day just so that they can still wear shorts and a t-shirt inside.

A flatmate I had last year did this to us and we eventually kicked him out, replacing him with someone more acclimatised to the south. The result? A drop in our power bill by $150 a month. Considering there were three of us in the flat, that’s a big change.

It’s also worth paying attention to whether or not the person you choose might have some serious underlying psychiatric problems. These are not always easy to pick, but be on the lookout lest you end up living with a sociopath like me. That can lead to some serious inter-flat drama, especially when it comes to bills, parties and pregnancy scares. That escalates quickly.

I’ve been flatting for four years now and the two best flatmates I ever had didn’t come along until my fourth year of study and third year of flatting. Don’t fret if you don’t get it right first time. Thankfully, in the last six months of my study I had flatting perfected. And all my tips above contributed.

They weren’t my best friends (at the time of moving in together). We kept our love lives separate from flatting. We all had similar interests in music and were as lazy as one another when it came to cleaning. We all enjoyed drinking just as much as we loved study. None of us were suspected sociopaths on the verge of a breakdown. And the only potential niggle was the concern that we didn’t know each other well enough at the time of moving in together. Basic shit.

In the end, remember to be calm, don’t hate your flatties, pick people you don’t love and you know won’t bother you, and have fun. You’re all poor and stressed about the same things – why make living together one more thing to stress about?