Honestly, I do not know why someone would want to wear something that makes them look puffier than they already are. But on cold days in Dunedin it seems like most of the student body turns into an army of walking black marshmallows. I understand why puffer jackets are great – it’s like wearing a hug. But they make you all look like daft fluffballs and unfortunately I must insist that goose down, like butt-plugs, is one of many things that should never leave the bedroom.
Kids who come to class in fitness gear, like Sporty Spice here, are terrible people. Do they not realise the effect their garb has on the rest of us? I hate sitting beside people like this in class because either (1) they make me feel guilty that I, too, am not factoring exercise into my daily regime, or (2) they have come to class post-workout and smell like armpits. Please understand, people, that while you are living your healthy lifestyle being sporty and shit, the rest of us are battling just to get out of bed in the morning. Have a little consideration.
Leggings are not pants. Nickelback is not a good band. Tourism is not a real degree. Otago University internet is not fast. Meals at Lonestar are not reasonably priced. Reading Fifty Shades of Grey “ironically” is not a thing. Chris Brown is not a changed man. Rihanna is not a smart woman. Leggings are not pants.
I am a huge believer in earning one’s rips – they are a badge of honour for those people whose jeans are their number one sidekick in the quest for awesomeness. Like battle-wounds on a pirate, all rips should have a badass story about how they were earned. But the vibes I am getting from this chick are more Dora the Explorer than Captain Jack Sparrow. I can tell from her spotless sneakers and all round fresh-facedness alone that she probably listens to Owl City, and she most definitely did not earn that rip.
This top is silly because it is only pretending to be sporty. It is not a real sport top, it’s just faking. The point of wearing tops like this is so that your comrades can recognise you in a crowd and high-five you. But this is a fake team! It is an emblem and a random number! There are no comrades! You are wearing a lie.
Backpacks are having a bit of a moment right now. Students everywhere are ditching their vintage leather satchels and can now be seen strolling around campus with one of these puppies on their shoulders. Unfortunately this here backpack might just be too practical. It’s like she actually wants to be comfortable or something? It may as well have a chest strap to avoid stress to the lower back. This throwback to our primary school days should be enjoyed, but anything from Kathmandu or with Furbies hanging off it should probably be avoided.
These two are vomit-inducingly cute. It’s like watching a ray of sunshine wearing a leather jacket walk down the street. They are yin and yang. They are a Venn diagram. One has a big head and little pants. One has big pants and a little head. They should never go to class – they should just walk around campus and make people smile. Apart, they are just two regular guys. Together they are a fucking concerto.
Jeans are like potions – you have to put all the right ingredients in and not fuck anything up, or else it will blow up in your face. I like that these two have been experimenting, but they got a bit lost along the way and accidentally transfigured themselves into a less hood MC Hammer, and a nerdier Michael Jackson. I mean, the guy on the right basically has a box-gap, which would be great, if only he had the box to go along with it.
Once I got over their adorableness, I realised what these two reminded me of: Destiny’s Child, when Tina Knowles was still making their clothes. These guys match so hard it makes my eyes water. I can’t tell if they planned this, or whether it was simply a nauseatingly cheesy coincidence. It doesn’t really matter – if you see two people and immediately imagine them holding hands and skipping through a meadow together, something is wrong.
This is what One Direction would look like if they came from Invercargill.
I can tell that these guys are freshers. I worked it out because their leavers’ hoodies say 2012, so I did some simple calculations and discovered that they must be freshers (you’re welcome). I don’t have a problem with hoodies. I only have a problem with these hoodies. Listen to me: high school is over and most of us don’t want to be reminded of the fact by all you walking bastions of year 13 optimism. The glory days are over, and people the-opposite-of-care about you.
Take them off.
It was only a matter of time before men discovered the greatness of short shorts. It must feel nice to finally have a little bit of breeze around your balls. Unfortunately these plain coloured shorts have become the uniform of those who want to look cool whilst shopping solely at Factorie. It’s time to branch out, boys.
It doesn’t make sense that this guy’s sandals are thicker than his ankles.
This girl is a walking Disneyland. She is the happiest place on Earth, on legs. Her face reminds me of some sort of sea mammal – potentially a manatee. Yes. Her spirit animal is definitely a manatee. Her spirit movie is Mamma Mia.
I fucking love that this chick just does not give a shit. She has rolled out of bed, grabbed her 1B5 and walked to class. Where are her pens? Lol, who cares?! I had a flatmate who locked himself out of his room after a night on the piss and went to class the next day wearing a blanket, and wrote his notes on a meal planner. He should marry this girl and she should bear his carefree baby. It would play the tambourine in utero. I see people everywhere who are deliberately trying to appear like they do not give a shit (read: there are far too many hipsters trying to look homeless) and to these people I say, take note! This is a girl who is doing it right.
Usually when I see girls wearing these pants, my first thought is that Jasmine from Aladdin has really let herself go. But I have been shown a whole new world; genie-chic is now a thing.
I wholeheartedly agree with any marriage between elephants and clothing. I couldn’t agree with anything more wholeheartedly even if I tried.
I’ve seen these flower thingies around quite a lot recently, and I quite like them. They make her look like a fairy princess who has gone punk, but whose mum still forces her wear the crown. I do have a slight worry though, in relation to bees. It must be really stressful walking around with God’s creatures trying to pollinate your head.
Sometimes when I encounter flocks of fashion students on campus, I think I’ve stumbled across a funeral procession. What are you guys in mourning for? The return of the jelly sandal? You look like the super trendy spawn of Professor Snape, and no matter how much NOM*D you’re wearing, it’s kind of intimidating for the rest of us. This is why people cross the street when you’re walking towards them at night. Because they think you might be an axe murderer.
This is the kind of girl who floats as she walks. She breezes through the crowds in the Link while the rest of us trundle along and try not to fall over our own two feet. She looks like she lives on a diet of dandelions and honeydew. Her hair is full of secrets. I’m so glad she is wearing these big heavy boots because I am almost certain that without them she would probably just drift away.
Now, this is a guy who knows how to fix-up and look sharp. Just kidding, he looks like shit. Just kidding, he looks average. My gripe here is that it is so easy for guys to look good and still put the absolute minimum of effort in. But instead they walk around like this and try to mask the fact that they haven’t taken a shower in four days with an overload of Lynx.
All the cool dudes around campus seem to be super sun-smart this year. Caps are fucking everywhere. Judging by his pallid skin-tone it looks like this guy has spent his whole summer slip-slop-slap-and-wrapping. Or maybe he just doesn’t get out much.
Everyone seems to be wearing these pants, but I hate them because unless you are wearing very supportive underwear, everyone can see your junk wobbling around as you walk.
It’s a good thing that this dude is sun-smart, because he doesn’t look very smart in many other ways. He probably wears these because he never learned how to tie his laces.