Features

 
1) Do you believe in God/an all-powerful equivalent?
Yes (go to Question 2) / No (go to Atheist)
 
2) Do you identify with modern society?
Yes (go to Question 3) / No (go to Question 4)
 
3) Are you chilled as fuck?
Yes (go to Buddhist) / Nah I’m actually uptight as hell (go to Question 5)
 
4) Do you believe that you arrived on Earth 75 million years ago with your mate Xenu, and then got blown up by a hydrogen bomb around a volcano?
Hell yeah (go to Scientologist) / Not really (go to Amish)
 
5) Do you like the letter “M”?
Yes, it rocks! (Go to Question 6) / Nah I prefer “J” to be honest (Go to Question 7)
 
6) Do you like knocking on people’s doors?
Yes, it’s one of my favourite pastimes (Go to Mormon) / Not unless I’m trying to sell used hijabs (Go to Muslim)
 
7) Do you believe the world is about to end?
Yeah, and all you guys are fucked (Go to Jehovah’s Witness) / I hope not! My kids are about to graduate from Medical School (Go to Jew)
 
 
ANSWERS
 
Atheist – Wahoo! Instead of building your existence around a chosen deity, you base your life on free thought, science, and living for the moment. You see your time on Earth as very limited, so go out and get trashed while you can!
Buddhist – You believe in inner peace, self-discovery, and achieving enlightenment, and feel far more empathy with your deity than other religions. And you fucking love incense.
Scientologist– You may get a hard time for basing your life around science fiction novels, or the fact you don’t answer crying infants, but fuck it, you’re an alien.
Amish – You believe in horse-drawn carriages, bushy beards, and marrying your sister. Although your luddite nature and rejection of technology does give you some limitations, you do enjoy a very simple, self-sufficient and practical lifestyle.
Mormon – Knock knock. Who’s there? Oh, all five of your wives. Sweet.
Muslim – You believe the point of life is to worship your creator, and would gladly die for your cause.
Jehovah’s Witness – You don’t celebrate Christmas, Easter or birthdays due to their pagan origins (aw), but you do get your own paradise after death, which’ll probably make up for the Hungry Hungry Hippos boardgame and knitted sweater you won’t be getting this year.
Jew – Oy vey! Despite being given shit by pretty much everyone else since day dot, you’re typically intelligent, wealthy, and have an awesome hat.