Advice on Giving Advice | How to Give it to That Git in the Middle of the U-Bar Mosh

Advice on Giving Advice | How to Give it to That Git in the Middle of the U-Bar Mosh

Pint night is the old-but-kinda-nouveau-new thing for those who are keen on a social Wednesday evening. Because of this, the U-Bar mosh is arguably the most sociologically significant location for Dunedin students. There is an important code of etiquette to partaking in the mosh, so freshers listen up.

For starters, don't be boring if you’re hanging over the front barrier, and never be a part of any wall of dude bros that transects the mosh in two. While there is nothing inherently wrong with being boring or with having a good ole dude-bro time, the mosh is a critical place of fun, and both these behaviours are some serious mellow harshers.

Some other basic mosh etiquette involves not getting separated from your crew. This is important for several reasons. Firstly, you can’t say g’day to your mates if you’re not with your mates. Secondly, if you’re the sloppy git standing on everyone’s toes and falling on everyone’s boobs, you don’t want to be doing this alone. The third reason is to stop your mate from being said sloppy git. They need to know what they’re doing, and it’s better if that news comes from you rather than those weird U-Bar bouncers.

Moshes are complicated social spaces to inhabit, they’re a dynamic beast and a moody mistress. Some ways to make it more fun include: Jumping up and down with the single fist pump. Jumping up and down with the double fist pump. Throwing your bra at the stage (a great excuse to get a new bra), and of course, charging about on all fours in an attempt to get the entire mosh involved in a neat, chair-height conga line.  

Everyone knows that the best way to get to the front is to go up the sides and push in along the front barrier. But the low-key best place to be is smack-bang in the middle. People in the middle of the mosh almost certainly want to be there. And if they want to be there, they almost certainly want to have fun. You don’t get through a box of Wild Moose just to fuck about not having fun. KEEP IT SIMPLE. GET IT DONE.

But remember that the chill vibe in the sweet leather couches is also an option. It’s hard to tell why getting to the front is such a necessary plight of the average U-Bar mosh attendee. Yeah, maybe there is some parsley sized garnish of cool that you can wear, for that glittery, vodka-y hour and a half. But as soon as you walk out those U-Bar doors, no one is going to be able to tell that you were at the front of the mosh, and are therefore very cool.

The final triage to be administered to the terminal U-Bar mosh is the pushers at the back. Let’s look at the rationale of the problem at hand to begin with. U-Bar can max hold 200 people, and they’re not allowed to let in any more than that. So why push everyone toward the front? All that happens then is having 200 people in the space of 50 people, and you’ll probably end up with glandular fever, which sucks because you didn’t even suck anyone’s dick.   

Cool. Glad we’ve sussed that.


Aunt Kell and Mama Zo.

P.S. have FUN.

This article first appeared in Issue 8, 2018.
Posted 6:03pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport.