This Week Matthew, I'm Going to Be... - 20

...a bogan.

 The life of a bogan revolves around bourbon, cars, and rock/metal music; and since you can’t really wear either of the first two, wearing a t-shirt that has AC/DC written in big letters is going to be your best choice to start your bogan ensemble. Especially if it’s at least four years old – that makes it vintage. Next, throw on a pair of jeans, preferably with a chain attached to one side. Not only does that prevent your wallet from being stolen, but it makes you look really cool. Having the remnants of the previous night’s dinner rubbed into your jeans is also a popular idea, and comes with the benefit of givingyou something to snack on if the AC/DC concert goes on longer than expected. The topic of footwear is up for debate but a pair of DC skate shoes (ideally, black with black trim) seems to be the hot item. Make sure to wear out the bottoms of your jeans so that you can show off your shoes to best effect. It’s cold in Dunedin so you will need warmth ,too: get yourself a big black hoody, and make sure it has some sort of car branding on it. (Mazda/Ford/Holden = good. Ssangyong = not so good.) If the hoody doesn’t keep you warm enough, then you’re obviously not drinking enough bourbon. 
  The most important aspect of the bogan ensemble is the hairstyle. It doesn’t just identify you as a bogan; it also identifies which strain of bogan you belong to. First off you have the classic buzz cut and rat tail combo: the entry-level bogan haircut. Then you have the iconic mullet: the vintage bogan haircut. Then you have the long ‘n’ greasy, the haircut that’s so oily that it’s giving the Gulf of Mexico a run for its money. But the ultimate bogan haircut isn’t really a haircut at all. You just let your hair do its own thing, growing wild and free. A common misconception is that this haircut is a result of laziness. Actually it’s a nihilistic passive protest about the nature of life and society, and the strictures we place upon ourselves. But that’s easy to miss.
  Once you’ve got the look, you’re pretty much sorted. Bogans don’t really need much in the way of a personality. They communicate through a series of rhythmic bangs on the roof of their Holden HQ as they do laps. You can’t really speak when ‘Thunderstruck’ is playing at 140 decibels anyway. Not that you’d want to – you can’t say anything more profound than what AC/DC has already said, so there’s no point trying. I told you that you didn’t need a personality.
 

Posted 3:40am Monday 23rd August 2010 by Matt Chapman.