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I studied at Otago for four years: met cool people, went skiing every year, achieved first-name-basis status at Blue Sky. But after four years, it got old. So, I decided that instead of returning to the deep south, I'd finish off my Commerce degree at home in Auckland. I’d heard it was hard to transfer, but people are sooks, with complicated requests – and shit marks. I was better than that.

How naïve I was. What I encountered was a clusterfuck of bureaucracy and frustration that has seen my downward spiral into a daytime television addict and nervous eater.
 
Foolishly confident, I ignored the early warning signs: the girl crying in the transfer office clutching a Canterbury University transcript; the laughter that greeted the word ‘transfer’. After all, the receptionist at the department was friendly. Mindy, we'll call her. Way nice. She gave me a brochure. It was going to be easy.
 
All I had to do was send a bunch of emails around. But, Mindy, I hate emailing people - I'll just call them instead.
 
"Sorry, that is not possible."
 
But why?
 
"We've done away with the phone system for staff. It's more efficient this way."
 
Apparently, phoning someone is so 2009.
 
When it came to organising the required papers and credits, nobody appeared to know anything. Mindy didn't. The lecturers didn't. Friends didn't. I tried everywhere. Everyone.
 
It took a whole month.
 
I spent the first month of 2010 tanning in the effervescent glow of my computer screen. My favourite month, gone. Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day (January 22) found me sleeping outside a lecturer’s office, only to miss his arrival – and departure. My yearly celebration of International Scrapbooking Week (January 11-18) went unmarked.
 
Transferring had turned into a full-time job, underpaid, with no chance of promotion. I have newfound respect for the simplicity of the Otago University website. At least you can find paper listings!
seeing their scheme foiled, make her banana and pecan pancakes with the Magic Bullet To Go. In 1-2-3 seconds.
 
But look. It wasn't all that bad. There have been positives. I’ve expanded my mind. I discovered the exciting sequel to the cult Magic Bullet infomercial - the ‘Magic Bullet To Go’. The most exciting part, for fans of the original colourful cast, is that not only are Berman and Hazel the chain-smoking sceptic back, but... brace yourself... they hook up! The scripted dialogue sees the characters camping in the woods, with Hazel’s unexpected and uninvited morning emergence from Berman’s tent shocking everyone. So why wasn't Hazel invited in the first place and how did she appear? Personally, I suspect that Mick and Mimi got sick of Hazel ruining their parties with her cigarette smoke and uncomfortable non-sequiturs. Maybe they took Hazel with them on the drive to the forest, but as soon as she passed out from those Magic Bullet margaritas (very quickly) they dumped her body in some remote ditch and set up camp several miles away - kind of like abandoning a family dog in the woods. Classic. But like any good canine, Hazel the hooch-hound was able to track them down to later emerge hungover from the tent. Mick and Mimi, seeing their scheme foiled, make her banana and pecan pancakes with the Magic Bullet To Go. In 1-2-3 seconds.
 
Can you now appreciate what this process has done to me? This is the memory of my summer. Look at what I have become! For those new to Otago this year and those returning – enjoy yourselves. Be kind to one another. Talk to your lecturers. Call them, even. Embrace the website. Wallow in the natural light. Because if you ever decide you've had enough – it's the little things you’ll miss.
 
No idea what Taylor is talking about? Watch the Magic Bullet to Go infomercial on our Facebook page, which you can find by searching ‘Critic – Te Arohi’.