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...a jock

Guys who play sport get chicks. Guys who play sport get mates. Guys who play sport are cool. You want to be a guy that plays sport. So this week, Matthew, I’m going to be a jock.
Dunedin jocks have a very unique style that has evolved out of years of refinement and cultivation, resulting in an outfit that can only be described as ‘pure fucking awesomeness, with a side of epic’. Wear a shirt that is at least three sizes too small; this accentuates your muscled and sculpted physique and makes the chicks hungrier than a fox in the chicken coop. Then, balance this ‘torso-condom’ effect by wearing the baggiest pants possible; Canterbury pants seem to do the trick nicely. Last, throw on a pair of jandals; it keeps things casual but also adds that kiwiana flavour. Don’t ever wear anything other than this combination. All good sportsmen wear a uniform, regardless of whether they’re on the field or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s minus six outside and your scrotum is frozen to your thigh, the uniform stays the same.
Since you’re going to be a jock, you’re obviously going to have to play sport in some form or another, so it’s best that you pick the right one to play. Rugby, soccer, and cricket are obviously the top three choices, but there is still a multitude of sports out there that will boost your ‘jock-iness’ to unprecedented levels. As a general rule: the more men on the field the better. More players means more opportunities to prove that you are better than everyone else, plus it proves to the chicks that you are comfortable enough with your own sexuality to get stuck into a scrum with a bunch of sweaty men. Chicks eat that shit up.
After any good sporting event, a favourite pastime of the jock is to head to the local pub to celebrate the game with a few beers. In fact, jocks are renowned for their ability to ‘sink piss’ at an astounding rate. This not only impresses the eligible females present at the pub, it also serves to moderate the intelligence quotient of the jock. A high level of intelligence distracts the jock from the game at hand, and is thus unnecessary. This is why most jocks complete degrees that do not require mental ability, such as a BCom.
Finally, being a jock is about being noticed. Go to the gym as much as possible, in order to fill out your torso-condom to best effect. Jocks are sportsmen, so talk about sport at every possible moment. People don’t want to hear about current affairs or any other relevant topic; they want to hear you regale them with tales of your sporting prowess. Being punctual is for sissies; casually stroll in late to your lectures, and act as if everyone’s been waiting for you to arrive. After all, you’re pure fucking awesomeness, with a side of epic, so you may as well flaunt it.