The Loose Guide | Issue 19

The Loose Guide | Issue 19

How to Be a Social Smoker

Despite all the commercials, warnings and campaigns we endure in today’s society, the fact is that smoking is still pretty cool. Admit it. If it weren’t so bad for you, most everyone would still be doing it – just like back in the day. No shame, no problem. Unfortunately, a guilty conscience and fear of death prevents many people from indulging in the coolest social activity since, well, ever. However, with some practice and the proper technique, you can trick everyone around you into believing that you are one of the cool cats – without accepting the risk of dying.

To be a “smoker” you must keep up appearances. The signature stale ashtray smell that lingers on smokers’ hands, clothes and breath is critical to presenting the right image. Lit cigarettes placed in your car’s ashtray while driving or wafted over your body before you leave the house will give your personage a genuine smoker’s stench. Be sure not to wash your hands or chew gum, and feel free to tap some ash onto your clothes and rub it in a little bit. You can even burn small holes in your clothes and car upholstery for effect. If you’re really serious, tuck a smoke behind your ear “for later” once in a while. Even better if it’s half burnt – it’ll seem like you don’t want to waste a precious crumb of tobacco.

Try to act like you’re really addicted to smoking cigarettes when you’re in public so that everyone will feel sorry for you. That way, you can claim to be “trying to quit” when it comes time to smoke and no one will bother you or insist that you have one. This will also give the subtle impression that you’re really holding back from your usual hardcore habits. At bars/ restaurants, nip off to the toilet after buying a drink/ finishing your meal. Stay there for long enough to make it seem legit and pass through the smoking area on the way back. Make sure you aren’t followed.

Grab every chance to flash your smokes around. Always keep a packet of strong, popular-brand cigarettes with you in a visible place, such as tucked in your sock or sticking out of your pocket a little bit. Drop them on the ground occasionally and then rush back to get them as though you just dropped a baby. Offer smokes to the people you hang out with to increase your social status and impress everyone with your generosity.

If you have already quit smoking, don’t even try this because you will definitely start back up again and this will lead to death 100 per cent of the time.
This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2013.
Posted 2:29pm Sunday 11th August 2013 by Campbell Ecklein.