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For the better part of your lives, most of you have been labouring under the delusion that you are in control of your TV set and that it exists only to serve you. You would be wrong. Every time you switch on that attention-seeking slab of circuitry, you relinquish control of your thoughts, desires and impulses. Learn how to watch television with discretion before it’s too late.

Never attempt to “just” watch that “one” show that you like. If it were really that simple, it would be that simple. Whether due to your growing couch-inertia or those seriously gripping opening credits, you’ve no doubt found yourself sitting around into the start of the next show on more than one occasion. Do not blame yourself. You have fallen victim to a multitude of programming ploys that were specifically designed to keep you tuned-in indefinitely.

Before long, you’ll find that your six favourite shows all play one after the other on the same channel. How convenient!

If you have a favourite show, TiVo it for later and go and play outside. Most television networks also have an app for selective online viewing. Use these. When you have to go to the effort of streaming a program in order to watch it, it will soon become abundantly clear which shows you truly cannot live without.

If you insist on watching TV in the conventional way, chances are that you will be subjected to all manner of commercial advertisements. There is no nice way to say this: commercials are bilge. Mute them and avert your eyes. If you watch these ads, you will discover things you never knew you (never) needed. This will make you feel depressed, underprivileged, and inadequate.

But before embarking on this downward spiral, consider: you could probably watch ads for days on end and never come across someone behaving remotely like an actual human being would in the given situation. Deductive reasoning should then lead you to realise that, as a human, these ads are not intended for you. Turn them off and engage in meaningful discussion with your flatmates/ parents/ self until your programme resumes.

Watching television is an excellent way to escape reality, second only to psychoactive substance abuse. Unfortunately for society, many are unable to identify the (fairly obvious) line between television and real life, resulting in misguided attempts to emulate their beloved television personalities’ mannerisms, clothing choices and blatant disregard for the law/gravity. We really need to just rip this Band-Aid off right now. You will never be like them. Please don’t even try.