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Top 5 Kiwi Sayings That We Don’t Actually Say

My mates went overseas for a bit last year and started sharing New Zealand culture with foreigners. By sharing our culture, I mean they got pissed and went around fabricating Kiwi sayings. They even managed to convince a whole lot of foreigners that we actually regularly say this stuff to each other. I’m sure if all five of the people who read this column started saying these, we could like start a trend and shit!
 
5. “Get ya cock out of the Kakapo”: This one is usually preceded by “Come on, mate!” this saying is used to stress urgency. Why you’d have your cock in a kakapo in the first place is not really of concern and who gives a fuck anyway? It flows off the tip of your tongue like goddamn poetry.
 
4. “... said the pear to the plum”: You know sometimes when you’re just so drunk that you can’t even put together simple sentences? Well this was one of those situations: someone tried to say “pot calling the kettle black” and it came out like this. Yeah, it doesn’t really make sense. But then again, since when have real Kiwi sayings ever made sense? Sweet as? Sweet as what??
 
3. “Macking the Moa”: This one is a phrase that refers to screwing the fat chick (or generally large/hideous) chick within a group of friends. An example of this is “Jacob tries hard to score the babes but usually just ends up macking the moa.” Pretty much anyone who has scored in Monkey Bar is guilty of such an activity.
 
2. “Get ya scrotum out of the scroggin”: Basically, this is used to replace the term “you’re full of shit.” In saying that, it doesn’t really have a meaning. It just sounds so awesome that it can be used in any situation. Combined with an arbitrary usage and the fact that a lot of New Zealanders don’t actually know what ‘scroggin’ is, this saying is an excellent addition to any conversation that you can’t be bothered continuing.
 
1. “Planting a kumara”: this is a polite and tactful way of saying “taking a shit.” It can be used in a variety of ways, such as “Sorry bro, was just planting a kumara,” or “I had a nasty kebab last night and I really need to plant a kumara farm.” If you happen to have explosive diarrhoea, you refer to it as a ‘mushy kumara’.