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Hi everybody,

This week, I want to talk about New Zealand’s Got Talent. Specifically, I want to talk about the odds that the show will actually demonstrate that New Zealand has any talent: bloody shit.

Despite the fact nobody talks about pooping, a study by Tarō Gomi showed that everybody does it. Brick-laying might be a universal phenomenon, but we still get flustered when forced to talk about it.

There’s a question I’ve fielded numerous times, usually asked by small children and drunk people (two largely interchangeable groups): “What is the funniest thing you’ve seen in med school?” People generally expect an answer involving a kitchen utensil and the words “I tripped...” but my funniest memories come from those golden moments before general anaesthesia kicks in (“I’m a fucking awesome jockey. Zzzzz”) and the vindictive glee one can get from asking “the poo questions.”

Now, you probably don’t often discuss crap (beyond informing your flatmates that you gallantly slayed the toilet after a night of curry and beer) but healthcare workers discuss poo a lot. You might even say we discuss it … a shitload, if you were a douchey “puns-are-funny” twat. Point being: a doctor can ask dozens of questions about your latest poo and medically justify each and every agonising, chair-squirming, face-flushing one of them.

Returning to NZGT – there’s something that causes huge amount of worry in a huge amount of people: blood in the toilet bowl. There’s a crap-ton of ways bum blood can look (mixed in with the poo, in the water, on the toilet paper, bright red, dark red, black, sticky, clumpy, runny ...) but probably the most terrifying is the bright red spray on white porcelain. People see that and they freak.

Often, that freak-out doesn’t translate into seeing a doctor, because people fear they’ll face a douchey “puns-are-funny” twat of a medical professional who will ask them dozens of awkward questions. Here’s the thing, though, the questions themselves aren’t actually embarrassing or entertaining – the only funny part is the squirming awkwardness that some people exude when talking turds. Without that, it’s a very unremarkable subject matter, as “the poo questions” are actually a very cruisey set of yes/no tickboxes to make a diagnosis.

Bloody poo is way more common than you’d think and, if you’re young enough to read Critic, it’s incredibly unlikely to be the cancer or whatever you’re freaking out about. But like everything, if you’re worried, it’s far better to see somebody about it than letting it driving you mad. Ultimately, letting the fear of awkward questions impact your health is a shit idea. And puns are funny.