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Hi everybody!

It’s a subject that we talk about all the time, but never actually discuss: tiny todgers. Judging by word of mouth, all men have a larger-than-average dick. This makes me wonder when the hell a members’ bill was passed redefining the word “average” to something other than what God intended.

But what is a normal knob? It’s actually pretty hard to nut out. See, in research there’s a phenomenon called “volunteer bias,” where people who sign up for studies are different from the population simply because they’re willing to volunteer – i.e. the bigger your boner, the more likely you are to let someone measure it. There’s also something called “publication bias.” In legitimate journals, it’s to do with significantly rejecting null values, but in “journals” like Cleo or FHM, it’s about claiming “the average dick size is 9 inches!!” to sell more copies. See also: sensationalist journalism. See also: the ODT.

A review in the British Journal of Urology (the go-to dicks and drips journal) looked at 11 studies and 11,000 schlongs, and came up with an average erect length of 14-16cm (5.5-6.2 inches) and girth of 12-13cm. They then went on to cover their asses (always a good idea with that many erect dicks waving around) by mentioning that study differences meant their numbers would be slightly off the true value. Flaccid length is pretty useless, as everything from temperature to anxiety changes it, but the consensus seems to be that an average drooper is at least 4cm.

Now, barring any aforementioned redefinitions, average doesn’t mean “normal”, it just means average. In the same way many normal people are shorter or taller than average, many normal people have non-average willies. Sources vary, but you’re looking at less than 2.75-3 inches erect before you’re actually entering medically miniature/“micropenis” territory.

Guys want big dicks but don’t actually know what “big” is, so we end up with guys going to urologists claiming their perfectly normal dick is too small ( “small penis syndrome”). Of the 92 self-reported “small” dicks one urology department saw in two years, 0 were actually outside of the “normal” range – and those are guys thinking they’re so small they should see a specialist.

The most common reasons given for small penis syndrome are 1) comparing yourself to friends and 2) porn. Again, both of these come back to volunteer bias and, of course, lies. As a study that looked at 1065 men’s members states: “Penis size [is] inversely related to lying about penis size.” Or put another way, the tinier your tool, the larger you’ll claim it is. Food for thought.