Yes We Might! | Issue 26

Yes We Might! | Issue 26

Rumours of Mitt’s demise have been greatly exaggerated

Last week, Mitt Romney pulled out of the presidential race, to be replaced by a fresh-faced Tea Party ticket of Paul Ryan and a Dalek. The latest scandal to hit the Romney campaign proved too damaging: Mitt was caught on camera dismissing the 47% of Americans who pay no federal income tax as “dependent upon government” (read: bludgers – bear in mind this group includes military veterans and retirees) and conceding that such parasites would never vote for him. At an emotional press conference, Romney, flanked by his wife and his retinue of robot minions, announced his withdrawal, declaring: “herp derp derp derp” while emitting odd beeping sounds.

Except, that last paragraph isn’t actually true. Romney is still very much in the race. This latest scandal, while possibly the single biggest of the campaign, probably won’t change much, for one simple reason: Anybody who didn’t already know Romney was a heartless oligarch has their head buried so far in the sand that nothing, not even video evidence, will change their mind.

Just consider Romney’s rap sheet (due to space constraints, this has been heavily edited – but you get the idea):
  • With inequality at a historic high, Romney plans to cut taxes for the rich, and pass the costs onto the middle class. Romney’s net worth is over US$250m.
  • Ignoring decades of precedent, he has refused to release multiple years of tax returns. He released returns for 2010 which showed that he paid only 14.1% tax; it’s a fair bet the earlier returns would show even lower rates.
  • He is the sole owner of a shell corporation in the Bermudas. Shell corporations are a common vehicle for tax avoidance.
  • Until recently he kept his money in a Swiss bank account. He closed it in 2010, while the IRS was offering amnesty for those with criminally undeclared Swiss accounts. Whether Romney shut the account as part of this amnesty is unclear, because (see above) he won’t release his tax returns.
  • (My personal favourite), when he started Bain Capital, 40% of the investment came from families linked to Salvadorian death squads.
  • He allegedly assaulted one of the guys from LMFAO in the first-class area of a plane. Actually never mind, I can totally get behind that one.

Romney’s supporters are those people who can read that list and not care/doublethink it away/consider that getting rid of Obama is worth it. Adding one more item isn’t going to change that.
This article first appeared in Issue 26, 2012.
Posted 5:01pm Sunday 30th September 2012 by Creepy Uncle Sam.