Columns

At last we were all able to sit around the table again, and boy was Tim on fire tonight. His conversational topic of choice? Different undergrad majors.

L: I’d imagine law students are pretty frisky thanks to encountering morbid cases all the time.

T: They probably get partners to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement pre-coitus. Pre-Coital Agreements! I hear things about Genetics students. It’s so boring they’ll do anything. I’ve seen girls do punnett squares about the boy in front of them. But I think computer science is better. They’re extremely sexually repressed and always get caught downloading porn in labs. My tutor actually came up to me in town once…

S: Shag her?

T: Say what you will. I also got asked to code a porn site at 16. It was a good idea: Project Gutenberg for porn that was out of copyright…

S: Do communications students put out a press release when they’re about to cum? This conversation is stalling. I can lubricate it if you want.

L: My lecturer said that once!!!! “Let me just lubricate my throat…” Hah! How about gender studies?

T: Like a rollercoaster: the only constant is the cum on the bedsheets. Zoology?

S: Too obvious!

L: No way! They’re the people who, as 14-year-old boys and girls, put peanut butter on their genitals and made their doggie clean it off…

T: So Louise, when you get into the adult industry as a porn director, what’s your code name going to be?

L: I don’t know why, but for some reason “Erectile Dysfunction” keeps coming up.

S: Or not, as the case may be.

L: It’s such a classy name. DIRECTILE DISFUNCTION!!!

T: Did you know that City University London has the world’s lowest rate of different sex partners, with only 3.1 per average student?

S: But I thought all the Poms did was take pingers and fuck?

T: Chemistry probably just make date rape drugs.

S: Energy Studies probably use the most lube.

T: Because they want to reduce friction and increase torque.

L: I actually understood that reference!!!

S: Maths and theoretical physics? They try to write a formula for how to get laid, but unfortunately it involves imaginary numbers. Or Paediatricians? Let’s not go there…

T: I think the worst combination is actually someone like me, who has a genuine fascination with the human body and sees it as something that should be diagrammed, described, and experimented with…

We later found a crack pipe in Tim’s room.