Sex at The Dinner Table | Issue 20

Sex at The Dinner Table | Issue 20

Tim's on Crack

At last we were all able to sit around the table again, and boy was Tim on fire tonight. His conversational topic of choice? Different undergrad majors.

L: I’d imagine law students are pretty frisky thanks to encountering morbid cases all the time.

T: They probably get partners to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement pre-coitus. Pre-Coital Agreements! I hear things about Genetics students. It’s so boring they’ll do anything. I’ve seen girls do punnett squares about the boy in front of them. But I think computer science is better. They’re extremely sexually repressed and always get caught downloading porn in labs. My tutor actually came up to me in town once…

S: Shag her?

T: Say what you will. I also got asked to code a porn site at 16. It was a good idea: Project Gutenberg for porn that was out of copyright…

S: Do communications students put out a press release when they’re about to cum? This conversation is stalling. I can lubricate it if you want.

L: My lecturer said that once!!!! “Let me just lubricate my throat…” Hah! How about gender studies?

T: Like a rollercoaster: the only constant is the cum on the bedsheets. Zoology?

S: Too obvious!

L: No way! They’re the people who, as 14-year-old boys and girls, put peanut butter on their genitals and made their doggie clean it off…

T: So Louise, when you get into the adult industry as a porn director, what’s your code name going to be?

L: I don’t know why, but for some reason “Erectile Dysfunction” keeps coming up.

S: Or not, as the case may be.

L: It’s such a classy name. DIRECTILE DISFUNCTION!!!

T: Did you know that City University London has the world’s lowest rate of different sex partners, with only 3.1 per average student?

S: But I thought all the Poms did was take pingers and fuck?

T: Chemistry probably just make date rape drugs.

S: Energy Studies probably use the most lube.

T: Because they want to reduce friction and increase torque.

L: I actually understood that reference!!!

S: Maths and theoretical physics? They try to write a formula for how to get laid, but unfortunately it involves imaginary numbers. Or Paediatricians? Let’s not go there…

T: I think the worst combination is actually someone like me, who has a genuine fascination with the human body and sees it as something that should be diagrammed, described, and experimented with…

We later found a crack pipe in Tim’s room.
This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2012.
Posted 5:14pm Sunday 12th August 2012 by Checker-out St Flat.