Booze Review: Export Gold

Booze Review: Export Gold

I once drunkenly asked a bartender if they had any Speight’s, to which they replied “We only have good beer.” Turns out all they had on tap was Export Gold. Critic begs to fucking differ. Now, Export Gold is many things but a good beer it definitely is not. While the drop isn’t necessarily terrible, it’s unequivocally the definition of mediocrity. It’s all things luke-warm, it solely listens to Today’s Top Hits on Spotify, and probably has a hyperfixation on trains, or at least some sort of heavy machinery.

Export Gold is like if a Corona ran into the energy vampire from What We Do in the Shadows and all of its summery joy had been drained from it, like if summer was perpetually overcast. It’s a little bit boring and has no real defining character traits. It's like if you had the most basic beer due at midnight and had to use ChatGPT to conjure up a brand. It looks like beer, it smells like beer, but at the same time could pass for the piss of someone who's eaten a lot of asparagus. 

Now, despite tasting like watered-down asparagus piss, you know what you’re going to get when you drink an Export – mediocrity. For this reason this is probably the best beer for a high schooler to take to their first party. You don’t really want to drink beer but you still think Cruisers are too emasculating to be seen drinking – that, or you're too embarrassed to ask your dad to buy them for you.

The sensation of Export Gold is entirely underwhelming, like being coerced into having a flat beer with your middle-aged co-worker during your summer job or going to a pub-quiz and not being able to answer a single question. You’re taking part, you’re having a beer, but are you really there? The Export Gold is the neglected flatmate, the one that’s never really home but even if they are, you probably wouldn’t notice. 

A 12 box of Export Gold will set you back $25 for 12 standards, which misses the now seemingly unattainable golden ratio of a dollar per standard drink, with its ratio coming in at $2.08 a standard. While this isn’t on par with its RTD equivalents, it's still pretty good for a beer. There’s a time and a place for Export Gold, and that’s only when it's the cheapest box of beer that you can find. If Export Gold is your favourite beer, you certainly need it.

Pairs well with: All things beige
X Factor: Gardening and talking about the weather
Chugability: 8/10 
Taste Rating: 5/10. Bare average

This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2024.
Posted 8:09pm Sunday 26th May 2024 by Chunny Bill Swilliams.