Aquarius
Aquarius, you have been busy, and it’s showing. The dark circles and chapped lips aren't cute. Sometimes taking a night off the booze is a good idea so you won't look 20 going on 35.
Your turn on: Netflix adaptation of Wattpad porn
Pisces
A bad week is in the cards for you sorry bae. If you're super nice, karma might turn that frown upside down. But you have to be donating-blood-and-giving-up-your-library-seat nice.
Your turn on: Watching your flatmates cook dinner
Aries
Everyone and their mum knows about your sneaky link. Y'all have been disappearing into the only unlocked bedroom at every flat party and now is the time to pop the question: “Can I meet your flatmates sober.” You’re so brave.
Your turn on: The sound of a can opening
Taurus
It’s a good time to make some changes, Taurus. Replying to the group chat and acknowledging your friends should go to the top of the list. But really, the cuntyness comes from deep down so it might take a while to get rid of.
Your turn on: Woof! mood lighting
Gemini
Fresher flu is looming, and your vitamin C stockpile is dwindling. Time for a trip to Chemist Warehouse, where you will spend all of your student loan…again. But fuck it, we only live once and can't take it with us when we go.
Your turn on: Grey sweatpants
Cancer
Cancer, Cancer, Cancer… you’ve been naughty lately. Clean up your act, cos you aren't the best at doing the dishes or scrubbing the toilet. Our recommendation is a couple of hours of studying the wikiHow on how to be clean.
Your turn on: A wet and soapy Scrub Daddy
Leo
You have been too attached to your phone lately. At the risk of sounding like a boomer, it will rot your brains faster than a 20pk of nangs. Disconnect for a couple hours this week, take a book up to Cem, and be at one with the souls of breathas past.
Your turn on: A two for one special from your dealer
Virgo
You need to start your assignments earlier than you have been. The stress isn’t worth it. Make a plan and stick to it, otherwise the anxiety that’s been looming will continue and probably ruin your year.
Your turn on: Phallic-shaped vegetables
Libra
You haven’t been feeling your degree lately, and that’s okay. Cold feet are to be expected when you spend $50k to get a piece of paper. Just remember that you will be better than those loser fuck who stayed in their hometown. But not by much.
Your turn on: Eshays ghosting their vape
Scorpio
Your latest stint of celibacy (3 weeks, but that’s ages for you), has left you feeling a little frisky. It could be time to get on the prowl again and find some fresh meat to leave you feeling unsatisfied and having to finish the job yourself.
Your turn on: Getting left on read
Sagittarius
The stars are looking like you gotta be a productive bitch this week. Even productive procrastination is good. Clean out your emails and unwanted files. Wash your bedding. Clean the junk pile that is the floor of your car.
Your turn on: Your own imagination
Capricorn
No but why are you so funny this week? You’re cracking absolute rippers left, right and centre. Everyone loves the funny guy and you’re making dick jokes come back in style (tbf they always have been).
Your turn on: Your tutor remembering your name