Booze Reviews: Long White Hazy Lemonade

Booze Reviews: Long White Hazy Lemonade

RTD’s have now fallen victim to the shameless marketing trend that’s conned every corduroy-wearing millennial in Wellington into drinking the most experimental hazy IPA. Trying to prove your superiority of taste and class doesn’t cover up the fact you get shamelessly pissed every other weekend. No, I don’t want to drink your tangerine, vanilla, and wildflower beer. Everyone knows it tastes like shit, you just want to be different for the sake of it. Long White has just made an alcoholic lemonade and is trying to tell us that they’re not like other girls. 

The meaning of what makes a drink “hazy” is lost on me. Can we just call anything hazy now? What does hazy even mean? I’m not even sure craft beer die-hards know. I should probably know this as Critic’s resident booze reviewer, but this drink just tastes like lemon. I’m pretty sure it’s just called hazy to appeal to those who think that any hazy drink automatically makes it good. 

This drop does, however, offer a classy alternative to its other shitty lemon-based cousins. Looking at you, Bee (you can sponsor my flat if you're still into that kind of thing, though). It's as if Charlie’s lemonade made an alcoholic drink, except most of the lemon is replaced with lab-made artificial sweeteners. Beautiful and refreshing and just tame enough to stop you having a one-to-one conversation with the mirror in a random flat bathroom.

This might be controversial but these are objectively the best flavour of Long Whites available. It’s a shame they’re limited edition. Although, like with the use of the word “hazy”, that’s probably just another marketing scheme. Tssk tssk, Asahi, tssk tssk. 

If you’re sniffing out a deal, a box of these will set you back $28 for a whopping 12 standards. At this price, it isn’t too far off a standard box of Speights and is way cheaper than any of that craft beer stuff. If you find yourself unfortunate enough to have to pay full price for these bad boys, it can cost you up to $33 – the unfortunate cost of vortekes these days. 

Pairs well with: Grapes. Got any grapes?
X factor: Saying blesshgo and taking videos of yourself drinking
Hangover depression level: 3/10. Life didn’t give me any lemons
Taste rating: 8/10. Would go hard in a slushie

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2024.
Posted 1:49pm Sunday 14th April 2024 by Chunny Bill Swilliams.