Moaningful Confessions: Ex-Best Friendís Ex-Boyfriend Fucker

Moaningful Confessions: Ex-Best Friendís Ex-Boyfriend Fucker

Thank god this happened back in my home country, I would be shanked if this got back to them.

At my school in year 12, my friend (let’s call her Amelia) got a boyfriend (let’s call him Jed) who had a completely identical (slightly fitter) twin brother. I, being perpetually single since birth, was given the opportunity to be ‘set up’ with this twin (let’s call him Chris). After ‘linking’ online for quite some time, we went to a few parties in London. Right before I could make my move as I’m perched on Chris’ lap, Amelia’s bitchy friend literally yanks him from underneath me and dragged him across London. I cried about it for two weeks.

The next year Amelia and Jed broke up. She was toxic af and he cheated (can’t blame him tbh), but we remained acquaintances – mainly because she started being a cunt to me. Fast forward another year and a half, and we’ve done our A-levels, I’ve travelled, and both the lads have gone to uni (Chris specifically to Edinburgh). Upon my return to Blighty I took a tour of the land and ended up in Edinburgh with a friend.

After finding out they’re both in town, I conspired with my friend to meet up with them. We all met up, I knew some of the lads (awks), and we set off on our merry way to get absolutely trollied. Copious pints and half an hour of being plied with tequila shots at one of the student night clubs (he bought hehe), and my very obvious flirting, Jed and I snuck out and got an Uber back to Chris’ flat – against his many protests.

The deed was fast approaching, and we’re without condoms (why won’t guys stock them in their rooms istg), but I wasn’t about to let a little std or child get in the way of this plan three years in the making. So after the worst sex of my life where I got off and he didn’t (I’m a feminist and continue to do this) – HIS TWIN CAME HOME! Knowing we are shacked up in his bed, he burst in and ripped the duvet off. I’m fully naked, and his flatmates were stood behind him in shock and awe. I literally wanted to kill myself. As they backed away and shut the door apologising profusely, I decided that if I wasn’t out of that flat and away from these strange posh twats in 10 minutes, my life would end.

So I got dressed – couldn’t find my socks so I stole Chris’s (too right men don’t deserve nice things) – and gave Jed a kiss goodbye. “I will never see this man again," I said to myself as I walked out the door and into the freezing October air. Arriving back at my friends flat, we ate Maccas on his doorstep as I gave him the most detailed description of my night. We then passed the fuck out as the shame of my nights activities haunted my dreams.

With love, 
An ex best friends ex boyfriend fucker <3

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2024.
Posted 1:21pm Sunday 14th April 2024 by Critic.