Horoscopes: Week 7

Horoscopes: Week 7

You’re at a crossroads this week. Either accept that you have tummy issues and swap to oat milk or shit yourself in the most embarrassing place possible: three metres away from the bouncer outside U-Bar. 
Strain of weed to try: Sour Diesel

You take a creative approach to everything in your life, whether that be study styles, bong building or sexytime yoga positions. The creative process isn’t just fun for you, it's an emotional outlet that you very much will need this week.
Strain of weed to try: Granddaddy Purple

Lately, you have been all over the place. One day you can't get out of bed and the next you’ve finished your assignments early and deep cleaned your mouldy shower. Make sure to focus your energetic spurts on productive tasks, not just conspiracy theory hyperfixations. But also, did the moon landing actually happen?
Strain of weed to try: Pineapple Express

This week everyone is pissing you off and you're not afraid to let them know. But telling people they are stupid is not a great way to make friends. Sometimes people just don’t think before they speak and if they really are a dick, karma will get them eventually.
Strain of weed to try: Green Crack

Big decisions are coming your way and you aren’t sure which direction to take. These decisions could turn your whole life on its side, so make sure to talk to your friends and make a pros and cons list. Even taking advice from someone in the bathroom of a club could change your whole perspective on life.
Strain of weed to try: Za-Za Og

Chocolate and comfort foods should be at the top of your shopping list this week. It's gonna be rough, but needing a shoulder to cry on doesn't make you a pussy. It shows that you have more emotional intelligence than a drowning-in-lynx-africa 15-year-old boy, which is always a bonus.
Strain of weed to try: Cheetah Piss

Your natural charm is turned up to 11, making it the perfect time to go out and let loose. Thinking of yourself as a god will come easy this week with people falling to their knees all around you. But try not to come off as domineering outside of the bedroom ;) it can come off as cringey to others.
Strain of weed to try: Hulk Berry

Make sure to leave lots of free time in your colour-coded calendar. Being in the depth of a busy season comes with lots of curveballs and unexpected events. It's okay if you can’t follow your schedule to the letter because no matter how much you try, you can’t control others' lives.
Strain of weed to try: Purple Haze

This week you’re taking the lead and everyone is grateful for it. The people in your life have been too go-with-the-flow for your liking and sometimes structure is needed. Just make sure not to get too excited about the new power you have over everyone because people always turn on the leader of the cult.
Strain of weed to try: Chemdog #4

Mo’ money mo’ problems, but your creative mind is filled with outside-of-the-box solutions to everything. You are like a modern-day Macgyver armed with just an addiction to TikTok and a crippling nicotine addiction. Your ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes is very helpful this week, but remember you don't know everything. 
Strain of weed to try: Pink Kush

Small talk is getting on your last nerve and you are more taut than a rubber band ready to snap. Make sure you don't get sucked into other people's drama in your search for more stimulating conversation. Try to give everyone your biggest smile, keep talking about the trivial stuff, and you might find someone as interesting as you.
Strain of weed to try: Criminal +

Finding that work-life balance with uni is the key to your success this week, Capricorn. While you may feel like lazing around the flat and doing sweet fuck all, your to-do list is piling up and we both know how you get when you have so much to do looming over you. 
Strain of weed to try: Spicy White Devil

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2024.
Posted 1:19pm Sunday 14th April 2024 by Critic.