Booze Review: Mulled Wine

Booze Review: Mulled Wine

Daylight savings is creeping forward, bringing with it shit weather and a splash of seasonal depression. In this autumnal slump, we want a drink that reminds us of simpler times, like Christmas – not New Zealand Christmas, but the one you see in low-budget rom-coms. I want to get fucked up while feeling like I’m in The Wind in the Willows, so it’s time for mulled wine. Mulled wine is something to warm the heart, like drinking a tea in front of the fire, except the tea gets you drunk and the fire is an alcohol blanket. 

According to Google and Wikihow, you’re meant to use a recipe to make mulled wine. I find the best way to make it is to find the shittiest bottle of red wine you can find, a little bit of orange juice, some spices that you think will work (I used cinnamon and cloves) and an undisclosed amount of brandy (although Fireball would go hard) depending on how much of aforementioned alcohol blanket you want. Nuke that shit with honey or sugar to hide the fact that you don’t actually like red wine. Bring to a simmer, making sure not to boil it – because what's the point of drinking wine if it's not going to make you drunk?

As for taste, mulled wine is the alcohol version of a herbal tea. It smells comforting and warm but its taste fails to live up to its smell of cinnamon and Christmas. Or maybe I’m just not a fan of red wine. Mulled wine is simultaneously sweet and spicy, and just the right amount of warm to save your poor breatha hands from your stingy flatmate that won’t let you turn on the heat pump in the middle of July. Bonus points for adding more brandy to really get that warm feeling down. Mulled wine is the seasonal equivalent of a pumpkin spice latte: it makes you want to sit in front of a fire, listen to Frank Sinatra, and act as if you’re not a chronic binge drinker. 

Pairs well with: Binge watching Game of Thrones. Winter is Coming.
X factor:  Drinking out of a cauldron.
Hangover depression level: 2/10. No one can be fucked to make enough of this to get a hangover.
Taste Rating: 8/10. Warm alcohol go brrrr

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2024.
Posted 9:57pm Friday 5th April 2024 by Chunny Bill Swilliams.