ChatGOTH: Heracles

ChatGOTH: Heracles

Hi ChatGOTH,

I need help slaying the Hydra.

My ex will not stop trying to talk to me. As per usual post-break up courtesy, I asked for space but little did I know how challenging this labour would be. Long story short, it got to the point where I had to block her (so my phone would stop ringing!). But, like the mighty Hydra, when one head is slain, two more grow from the fleshy terminus. Since then I have blocked her on Messenger, blocked her phone number, blocked 5 of her Instagram accounts and then another 3 from my alt account and blocked her on Snapchat. I recently received a hand written letter on the window of my car AND A FUCKING GOOGLE CALENDAR INVITATION CALLED “Chat Time!” I guess I have to block her email too now? The other 11 Labours were so easy but I need my Iolaus to help me slay (first and only time I will ever say that) this multi-headed conundrum. I am hoping you have some awesome goth superpowers and/or can make her eat cobwebs or something.



Hi Heracles, 

Firstly, congrats on the breakup. It sounds like it’s all been a real battle. You know what they used to do to battlefields? Go fucking scorched-earth. 

Look, you seem like an expert tactician. Tact, however, is far from my strong suit. I’ve been told that I have the subtlety of a Molotov cocktail. While you shouldn’t go for arson (though Heracles did burn off the Hydra’s heads…), I do think it’s time to go a little bit nuclear. Harassing you like that is not okay – and quite frankly embarrassing on her part – so it’s clear that you’re past the point of amicability. 

I was going to advise you on pranks you could pull (like using her email to sign up for as much spam as you can) but, despite the jokes, I don’t want to make light of the situation – ah fuck, that was an arson pun – cos you really are being treated like shit here. Well, you could kick her off your Netflix, screenshot her harassing you and publicly shame her, or leave a big note on your car for her to see that says “[Her name]: it’s over. Never contact me again.” Chuck a frozen fish under her porch to rot. Fill her possessions with sand. Google “piss discs” and have at it. Unleash some pantry moths. Don’t listen to any of this. 

Listen to this part though: her behaviour is inappropriate. Stalking you like that is fucked. I don’t know the context of your relationship or breakup, but she needs to understand that the relationship is over, and by harassing you she’s burned that bridge for good. Keep records, and report if necessary, or at least tattle on her to someone. Any chance of redemption is long dead. There’s no need to slay her when she’s a ghost to you. 

Look after yourself.

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2024.
Posted 9:50pm Friday 5th April 2024 by ChatGOTH.