As a former “dumb fresher fuck”, you’ve just moved into the big wide world. By that, we mean out of a hall, into a beat-as-fuck six-bedroom flat somewhere on Leith, Castle, Dundas or one of the other streets that almost guarantees you are never seeing your bond again. Your room looks awfully empty, or just generally too nice to be in the party area of campus, so what do you do? Critic has curated the top 10 classiest and most on-brand things to do to spice up the space!
- Beer crates as shelves: Pretty swanky, aye. Sure, a full crate is around the $50 mark, but you were gonna sink that piss anyway so really, it's a free crate! Breatha math.
- Navy blue sheets (if any at all): All the rage in high school and halls, and you’re feeling a little nostalgic for being looked after like Mummy’s little boy. A true breatha set of sheets will have a faint mildew musk odour, and — if they’re not balled up at the bottom of the bed – will require effort to peel off the mattress when it’s time for their annual wash (or you’ve pissed the bed). The best part? The beezy or breatha spending the night with you won’t care, cos chances are they have the same sheets.
- Keep those curtains closed: Becoming a full-fledged breatha turns you into a sort of vampire as you cower from the sun — not because it'll burn you, but because you are in constant hangover limbo. Too much light and your head will explode; too little and you'll stub your toe on your bedframe of pallets that you plan on turning into a funeral pyre to your BCOM degree that’s withering from neglect.
- Clean and dirty corners: If you have an unrealised semi-pro basketball career dream, this is for you! Practice your shooting just before you flop onto your navy sheets with this nice little number: the clean and dirty corner! Just ball up your shit at the end of another hard day lurking in your cave, and hoop like you are prime Jordan or Jokic — or whoever, I don’t give a fuck about basketball (unless its the Nuggets).
- The Wall Home (cheap storage solution): I mean, this one seems obvious. Hole in wall; put stuff in hole in wall; hole in wall now built-in shelf. Disclaimer: Critic Te Ārohi doesn’t condone property damage but, like, if there happens to be one there send us a snap.
- Booze Box Wall: God-motherfucking-damn. You act like a trophy hunter, but my sweet brother in Christ, a box of Cody’s and a 16-pointer stag are two different things. Don’t display them the same way (or do, I'm not your mother) but if you are, do it properly: wallpaper your wall with boxes. Be consistent. Does consistency in this situation mean alcoholism? Maybe. But that's a different box of beers.
- A box, half-finished: Bonus points here if you don't know how you acquired it. Though let’s be real, you stole that box. You took it away from someone who was actually going to finish it. But hey, it happens, we all make mistakes – like the stupid idiot who left that box unattended in the presence of you, the Apex Breatha.
- No bed frame: Either your mattress is bare-ass raw-dogging it on the floor, or you stole some pallets from out the back of a Countdown and stacked them and now you have a sort of bedframe, you fucked cunt.
- Home-made bong: Arts and crafts! Very cool, but also you used it once, found out about microplastics, and then promptly stopped using it. That’s probably better for you than the can-bong you used in first-year, though.
- Dispo drawer: A monument to your nic addiction. An altar. A mausoleum, if you will. A picture of this drawer would probably make your mum cry, but that's a her problem. The whole lung issue though? That's on you lol, and your rattling lungs will tell on you on your next wholesome family tramping trip.