ChatGOTH: Fast and Curious

ChatGOTH: Fast and Curious

Hey ChatGOTH,

There’s an epidemic of straight people walking slow. As a goth, how do you deal with that? 

Fast and Curious. 

Hi Fast and Curious, 

Confession: I’m a queer slow walker. Yes, we exist. It depends on the breed of goth, but most are quite lethargic creatures. I amble. I skulk. I passively drag my body from place to place, often while wearing a cape and hoping for a light breeze to carry me along. High enough platform boots can make me a fast-ish walker though, because they significantly increase the length of my strides. They also increase my deep dark urge-slash-fear of crushing passing small dogs underfoot, however, so I tend to move slowly. I’m far, far too goth to run, ever. 

And yet I fucking hate slow walkers. It’s always when I’m late for something and actually have to move quickly. I was once running late to a piercing appointment and took a Neuron for the second time in my life (it’s still only been twice) and tore down George Street, trying to avoid the slow walkers clogging up the entire pavement, and so resorted to just yelling out, “ADULT GOTH ON A NEURON COMING THROUGH. MOVE IT, ADULT GOTH ALERT!”. 

It is quite effective. I do recommend. If only Neurons were less fugly and I were coordinated enough to use them more. If Neurons and screaming are in your wheelhouse, I implore you to try this and get back to me. 

Live fast, die a little bit every day. 


This article first appeared in Issue 5, 2024.
Posted 2:50pm Saturday 23rd March 2024 by ChatGOTH.