ChatGOTH: InsomNina

ChatGOTH: InsomNina

ChatGPT could never. Send all your woes and worries about foes to for totally real and legit advice.

Hi ChatGOTH,

I was going to send in something about my sex life but it's been so long since I've felt human touch that there's honestly no point. The more pressing issue right now is that I can't sleep. My mind just doesn't turn off. If I wake up in the middle of the night, it takes another hour or so to shut it down again. I think I've gotten max six hours of sleep each night for the past month. My body is purely fuelled by a toxic combination of caffeine and adrenaline.




Hi InsomNina,

Sleep is for the weak, so congrats! You’re too strong! This is probably why you’re in a dry spell – you would quickly pulverise anyone brave enough to try you. Murder is illegal, I think, so probably stay chaste in the meantime. Have a good, solid wank though. 

However, by sending this in you’ve basically condemned yourself. Worrying about sleep is exactly how you prevent yourself from sleeping. Instead, try drifting off by crafting elaborate revenge fantasies as you fall asleep. They can be oddly soothing. Are you afraid of your own mortality? Sleep is just microdosing death, as the body instinctively trains itself for its ultimate purpose. Because of this, you may be attempting to shut your eyes too early in the process of nodding off – as rigor mortis sets in the eyelids often flick open, so perhaps your future corpse is naturally rejecting shut eye. Crossing your arms over your chest like a mummy is also great for falling asleep, but that might not work for non-goths. 

A change of environment is the best tip. At this point, you’re likely heading to bed and expecting to struggle falling asleep, and when your brain gets night loud it becomes easy to spiral. You’ve probably trained yourself into this habit more than you realise. Seriously, try just sleeping on the couch for a night or two, or in your own bed but upside down, with your pillow at the foot of the bed. It helps to pretend to be a bat while you’re at it – some bats sleep for almost 20 hours a day. It is also soothing to squeak to yourself in the night, and to imagine being an active disease reservoir, feeling it brimming in your body (mindfulness). Counterintuitive, but if you’re the ‘no phone at bedtime’ type, try just mindlessly scrolling before bed for a change of pace. As much brain rot as possible is the goal, to slowly wean your body into actual rot. 

Sleep and death will come for us all. 

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2024.
Posted 12:45pm Sunday 10th March 2024 by ChatGOTH.