We’re (maybe) scrapping Moaningful Confessions. I realise this won’t be a popular move, but it’s time.
Behind the scenes, the column has been going downhill for a while and submissions have been few and far between. Most weeks it would reach print night and Lotto, who runs the column, would be on their knees (not in the way you might think) begging the staff to submit one of their sex stories lest they be forced, yet again, to dig into their own dungeon of memories. Either that or just make it up entirely.
Before you moan (heh) at being swindled by fictional confessions, keep this in mind: the column relies on students’ sex lives. Perhaps the pandemic socially handicapped us to the point where no one is experiencing enough in-person intimacy to have any good stories anymore. I doubt it, but we certainly haven’t heard anything to suggest otherwise. What, you scared?
Moaningful Confessions emerged from the ashes of Blind Dates, axed due to its own set of issues. Blind Dates was a column from a few years back where singles would apply, be sent on a Critic-sponsored blind date, and then write up their respective experiences to be published side by side in the back of the magazine. It was super popular until 2020 Editor Sinead Gill cut the column, explaining in an editorial that the pervy stories coming out of the dates meant she wasn’t satisfied she could guarantee students’ safety. Despite previous editors going to lengths to make it as safe as possible (Facebook stalking, consent debriefs, limiting alcohol, clueing in restaurant staff, etc.), it just wasn’t worth the risk.
While some of the submissions for Moaningful were kinda seedy at times, the decision to cut the column wouldn't be based on anything rivalling the Blind Dates controversy. It just isn’t what it used to be anymore. It got boring. No one wants to hear the same old story of “I was drunk, horny, and took someone home from town.” Let us know we’re not alone in our embarrassing, awkward, and chaotic escapades. Tell us about the time you accidentally broke up a couple after things got awkward post-threesome, raided your flatmate’s room for a spare Satisfyer Pro charger after it died mid-wank, or ended up in the ED with a stinging penis after you took “spicing up your sex life” too literally.
So, my mind is open to being changed. I’d accept fanfic if it was entertaining enough, like last year’s epic saga featuring a sexy Campus Watch stud named Tommy, written by our very own OUSA President Keegan. It was such a hit we even had two guys from Campus Watch show up to the office laughing about how the younger guy had been called Tommy all week by students, while his colleague slapped him on the back and said, “He wishes he were Tommy!”
And remember, submitting your stories scores you a free sex toy! Depending on whether we retain the sponsorship! It might have been a little awkward for those who boldly, and then progressively more sheepishly, came in to claim theirs (why was the box in the back of the room?) but we’ve streamlined the process with a simple anonymous pick-up outside the office. Because nothing says “Thank you for sharing your intimate details” like a discreet handoff in the shadows.
So please tell me what freaky stuff you delinquents are getting up to (meant in the least pervy way possible). I know you’re out there. I’ve got the axe ready, and it’s up to you whether it gets the chop.