Booze Review: Kirin Hyoketsu Lemon

Booze Review: Kirin Hyoketsu Lemon

Students return to their shitboxes, locals complain on Facebook, the annual tradition of Flo and O lives on. A fortnight of alcohol and substance ridden debauchery – an alcohol company’s wet dream. 

The only thing consumed more than piss in these two weeks of degeneracy is the marketing of Kirin Hyoketsu. All they need to do now is supply shitty posters to freshers to rival the amount that Major Major has been pushed down our throats.

In a watered down RTD market overflowing with low-creativity, low-sugar and all-natural ways of embarrassing yourself on a night out, Kirin Hyoketsu Lemon offers a revolutionary new product. Imagine any lemon based RTD you’ve ever had. Now imagine it was Japanese. The #1 RTD in Japan, the #1 RTD in O-Week… apparently. 

I’m no expert in Japanese culture but Kirin Hyoketsu tastes about as Japanese as South Park is anime. It's as if the brand was created as a way to get drunk without consuming anything remotely resembling alcohol. Sprite. It tastes like 6% Sprite. 

Kirin Hyoketsu Lemon are limited to six-packs of 330ml cans, setting you back $18. This puts it at an above market rate of $1.87 per standard drink, which may be worth it considering it doesn’t feel as though it’s dissolving your stomach lining. However, O-Week deals offering two boxes for $30 drops the magic ratio to $1.56 per standard, respectful in this age of inflation. This new format of twelve 6% cans may rival the humble coffin for the TikTok-posting, food account-having breatha. 

As far as taste is concerned, Kirin Hyoketsu Lemon is actually pretty good. The so-called ‘natural’ lemon feels more convincing than some other lemon based drinks, and isn’t teetering on the edge of tasting like dishwashing liquid. However, drink it while covering the can’s design and it could be virtually any citrus RTD. Notably, it’s also incredibly fucking funnelable, and with the rate that these go down the hatch, slurred speech begins to sound incredibly like speaking Japanese every other sentence. And while these have the power to turn any quiet drunk into the life of the party, I’m still not convinced someone in the back of Leith Liquor isn’t canning a mix of vodka and Sprite and up-scaling the price by 200%. 

Pairs well with: A bidet and a tactical vomit.
X factor: Absolutely shameless breatha-targeted marketing.
Chugability: 10/10. These things disappear, and my loans are interest free anyway.
Taste Rating: 9/10. As long as you’re a fan of McDonald’s Sprite.

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2024.
Posted 3:54pm Sunday 25th February 2024 by Sippy Bill Swilliams.