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Horoscopes: Week 18

Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

The plot? Babe, you’ve lost it. Try getting a grip on reality this week and restore the chaotic good within your soul.

Budgeting tip: Stop vaping.

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Pisces, the weather is shit, the vibes are bad, and no one understands the inner workings of your soul. Take some self care time this week, and retreat into your hermit hole of a bedroom. Happiness will soon be restored.

Budgeting tip: Make coffee at home.

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Aries, are you in a situationship, relationship, or do you have a co-dependent bestie? It’s time to reflect on the relationships you have with others, someone close to you is abusing your loyalty. Wake up!

Budgeting tip: Don’t drive everywhere.

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

You seriously need to get your shit together. Invest in a planner, update your Google calendar, do whatever you need to. Being flakey and forgetful is such an ick.

Budgeting tip: Ease up on the takeaways.

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Gemini, I know you’re quietly judging everyone you encounter. Normalise just telling people what’s good. Chances are you’re right anyway.

Budgeting tip: Master the art of thrifting.

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

It’s giving entitled. It’s giving Negative Nelly. It’s giving unaware. It’s giving self-absorbed. Your pity party is getting old and gross, it’s time to lighten up.

Budgeting tip: Pre-pack lunch.

Leo

July - Aug 22

Now is a good time to get an STD check. Lord knows what’s been incubating inside you since Re-O week.

Budgeting tip: Remember to turn off the heat pump before bed.

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

With the blossoms starting to bloom, it’s time to get back into healthy habits before spring commences. Hot girl walks, green tea and meditation should be implemented into your daily routine.

Budgeting tip: Withdraw your bitcoin.

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

This week, take time to experiment in the kitchen. Impress your inner culinary queen, and get freaky with food. Best accompanied by a cold beverage.

Budgeting tip: Stock up on farmers market produce.

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

It’s time to sit outside of Dispensary with a long back while listening to Lana Del Rey. You’re moody, mysterious, and it’s your utmost duty to project this vibe onto others.

Budgeting tip: Drop out of uni.