Horoscopes: Week 17

Horoscopes: Week 17


Jan 20 - Feb 18

To get through the last few weeks of winter, treat yourself to your favourite comfort foods. Think ramen, mashed potatoes, pasta. All the carbs you can dream of. Make the most of hibernation, baby! 

Habit to break: Picking your nose. 


Feb 19 - Mar 20

Turbulent and stressful times ahead, my fellow pisceans. If you feel the urge to scream into a pillow and throw your salt lamp out the window, allow yourself to do so. There is nothing worse than pent up rage and anger. 

Habit to break: Being a “yes” man. 


Mar 21 - Apr 19

If you were a snack, you’d be the soggy french fry at the bottom of a McDonalds bag. Some people think you’re a nice surprise, others think you’re a salty flop - beauty is in the fry of the beholder, after all. 

Habit to break: Having an attitude problem. 


Apr 20 - May 20

You are entering your comeback era. It’s time for you to girlboss too close to the sun, and achieve all your delusional hopes and dreams. Keep gaslighting and gatekeeping. Also, wear a blazer this week. 

Habit to break: Being a doormat.


May 21 - Jun 20

To all my gemini driving baddies, this is your reminder to get your car checked. You really shouldn’t keep ignoring that check engine light. While you can be unhinged, it’s best your vehicle isn’t. 

Habit to break: Overspending. 


Jun 21 - July 22

There is this thing you can do called “leaving the house”. You should try it some time. It’s pretty fun. 

Habit to break: Lacking accountability. 


July - Aug 22

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Habit to break: Leading people on accidentally. 


Aug 23 - Sep 22

Virgo, try branching outside of your social circle this week. Ask out your local mysterious barista, or make friends with the person next to you in class. Human connection is so lost these days, ugh. 

Habit to break: Overworking yourself. 


Sep 23 - Oct 22

Oh Libra, it’s tough when people just don’t catch your drift. Try not to get bogged down in the trivial topics of the everyday. Instead, embrace the magic of the gift we call life. 

Habit to break: Being delusional.  


Oct 23 - Nov 21

To all my dearest little scorpions, please accept this horoscope as a metaphorical hug. Some of you have been having it tough recently and need a little extra love. Give yourself a pat on the back this week and splurge on your favourite coffee. 

Habit to break: Negative self-talk. You’re gorgeous, darling!


Nov 22 - Dec 21

Sagittarius? More like SWAGittarius. You have rizz for days! Don’t listen to the haters who tell you that you’re lame. You’re actually really cool and totally not insane. 

Habit to break: Dating five people at once. 


Dec 22 - Jan 19

Imagine hating Taylor Swift. Fucking cringe, get a better take. 

Habit to break: Starting beef in the flat chat. 

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2023.
Posted 1:54pm Monday 31st July 2023 by Critic.