Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius, it’s time for you to normalize insanity. Flatmates pissing you off? Scream at them and eat their cheese. Situationship going downhill? Fuck someone else. Life is too short to not be your best, unhinged self. 

Way to get warm: Rage. 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

People put way too much of their bullshit on you. It is time to embody your alter ego and start telling them to fuck off. Set boundaries. Give the silent treatment. Give out BOMBASTIC side eye. 

Way to get warm: Extra duvets. 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

If there is one thing you’re good at, it’s a temper tantrum. Try growing up this week and developing a sense of maturity. 

Way to get warm: Vaping. 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Taurus, you need to get a stronger sense of what is right and wrong, and speak up in the face of injustice. Just because it doesn’t affect you, doesn’t mean you should sit back and observe. 

Way to get warm: Going for a hot girl walk. 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Wake up, bake up. 

Way to get warm: A joint. 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

Get your ass up and work, I swear no one wants to work these days. 

Way to get warm: Chai latte.

Leo

July - Aug 22

Post partying, you should take some laxatives and get those bowels moving. Constipation is good for no one. 

Way to get warm: Farting. 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

Virgo, your raging superiority complex is actually kinda nauseating? But who am I to tell you what to do? Keep riding that high horse, I guess. 

Way to keep warm: Electric blanket (don’t tell the flatties). 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

Get your cash money together, your spending habits are out of control. BROKE PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER LAUGH. 

Way to keep warm: Dryer condensation. 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

Crazy things happening to you this week. Not because of the planets, because you really are just that insane. Live, laugh, love, gaslight. 

Way to keep warm: Thinking of how to get back at your ex. 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

Sag, it is now July. Please, for the love of God, get your shit together. You can’t be a breatha forever. It’s time to evolve. 

Way to keep warm: Getting a new cute cosy sweater. 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorn, it's time to learn your place, motherfucker. Your constant need to always be correct is cringe. Learn to back off and take the L. 

Way to keep warm: Herbal tea.