Booze review: RUM(S)

Booze review: RUM(S)

Rum is the blindfold that humanity gladly adorns when things get messy. 

A tipple of rum to the war-torn soldier leavens the load of indefinite suffering, and the base aromat of orange and vanilla is as familiar to fruit the sailor will get. The legacy of rum is often a swansong to the frontiers of suffering, so why does it make me so giddy? I assume because it works. There is a reason that rum is hand-in-hand with humankind at the forefront of atrocity: it makes everything easier to swallow. 

Its practical application has been set in history, so where does it stand now? The consumption of rum in modern society is like using a blender to chop your vegetables: total annihilation. Rum is far too powerful a spirit to mask the burden of spreadsheets, so if you’re stressed from work stick to beer. My worst nights have arisen from rum, and I’ve enjoyed them all. 

One night of drinking Coruba is a good way to make up for the lost time that is 18 years of sobriety. I was a kissless virgin that had finally snagged some attention at a party. We moved outside into the shadows for a potential snog, and I vomited Coruba all over the back of some guy’s Mercedes. I remained a kissless virgin that night, all thanks to Coruba. 

Not a good rum, but good for 18 year olds. 

Stolen Dark Rum
At a friend's 18th birthday I drank an entire bottle of this dark rum, plus a decent amount of Bacardi white rum. I was only some pineapple juice away from mixing a Mai Tai in my stomach. I subsequently vomited out of my friend's second story kitchen window, splattering the outside of her house and her grandmother's vegetable garden with the contents of Gengis Khan buffet. My mother picked me up and checked on me throughout the night to make sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit. LOL.

Probably the best dark rum that you can get for cheap. 

Mount Gay
That’s more of an instruction, really. 

Moko Rum
A favourite amongst the flat, as it makes the sane go astray. A friend invited us to share a bottle during the 2020 Olympic diving finals. We showed up five hours after the invitation to find him blackout drunk on the couch, having drunk about 80% of the bottle straight. We were initially concerned he had died. How embarrassing to die without having even finished the bottle. He was fine.

Such a good rum that this happened a few more times. 

Kraken Rum
I can’t afford it, but the bottle looks sick.

Skipper Dark Rum
My favourite rum. A great way to send off a horrible year of academia!

10/10. I feel like a sailor. 

Thus concludes a brief history of my personal rum-ventures. All are calamitous attempts at capturing a taste of history. It’s all probably for the better. 

Tasting notes: Dank barrels, salt of the sea, vanilla.

Chugability: 5/10. I prefer to sip.

Hangover depression level: 8/10. You will wake up in a foreign location.

Overall: 10/10. Why is the rum always gone

This article first appeared in Issue 15, 2023.
Posted 10:00pm Tuesday 18th July 2023 by Albert Einsteinlager.