Moaningful Confessions: She Pea on my Nut till I Butter
Hope you don’t have a peanut allergy because this one is about to get saucy. So it’s about a year ago, maybe two, and I’m in a UniFlat. We’re doing flat dinners so everyone cooks once a week. And there was an international girl who was living with us who I was really into, but she had a boyfriend back home - you know the drill.
Let me tell you how hard I tried to break them up. Like honestly, everything I could think of. And we would always have these late talks over some drinks and we’d sit all close to each other and shit and pretend like we didn’t want to fuck each other’s brains out - or at least that’s what she was pretending. I was pretty obvious about it.
Flash forward to the end of the semester, she’s about to go home in a few weeks, and something cracked. It was after a pad thai peanut sauce dinner, my go-to, which I would like to think contributed somehow to what was about to unfold. Surely it was all about the sauce. I have no idea. After dinner, as per usual, everyone else went off to do their own thing and we were left on the couch. By this point we were already “snuggling platonically” and I could get in a few “friendly” boob grabs on accident, because this was all totally normal and not crossing any lines. But tonight was different.
Tonight it was getting spicier. We were talking about how she didn’t want to leave, and how there were so many things she’d regret not doing if she left so soon… and then it happened. All at once. My hands were in her clothes, her hands were in mine, and since nobody had washed after dinner, the whole ordeal just absolutely reeked of peanut sauce. We tumbled off the couch and laughed to each other before making deadly serious eye contact and resuming the act. I tried to pick her up but I’m not actually very strong so we went upstairs together.
Back in my bed we desperately tried to hide our creaking and moaning from the flatmates, because God forbid these people that we’ll never see again know about her long-distance transgression. It didn’t work. I’m sure they could hear, but I didn’t care. I’d waited months to finally have this moment, and I was going to enjoy every second of it. Her peanut-streaked skin was the most delicious thing I’d ever licked, and when I finally busted a nut (pun very much intended) it was the most glorious sensation I’ve ever experienced. We kept sleeping together for the rest of the semester, three or so times a day, making up for lost time. She went home and broke up with her mans, and to this day, I cannot smell peanuts without becoming incredibly horny.
This article first appeared in
Issue 15, 2023.
Posted 9:47pm Tuesday 18th July 2023 by
Critic.
Tags: moaningful