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Welcome to the Annual Critic Fish and Chip Review. This has proved to be one of the perks of the job, as Critic’s senior editorial staff got to laze around one night, gorging on takeaways and shooting the shit. In the midst of the resulting grease and squalor we have managed to pull together our thoughts and provide you with this guide to takeaways in the student district (and beyond).

A joint decision was made to review fish, chips, blue cod, and hot dogs, washed down with a can of Coke. These were deemed to be the staples of any takeaway meal, and Critic experienced the culinary delights of six different venues, with varying degrees of success.
 
Willowbank
Oil: Canola
Chips: $2.90 for a regular serve. These were the most expensive chips on the menu, but justifiably so. They were definitely the best: perfectly crispy, and oozing with salty goodness. Highly recommended. 
Fish: $3.00 for a piece of hoki. Critic was quite sure this was just a pre-battered frozen fillet from the supermarket; however, it achieved a pass mark with the judges. Pricey as all fuck, but.
Blue cod: $4.00. This was the worst item in the whole review. Flavourless and doughy, this was barely stomach-able. Steer clear. 
Hot dog: $2.90. This was one of the only hot dogs to contain a classic sausage rather than a frankfurter. This would’ve been well received, but it had what seemed to be the same batter as the blue cod, making another very poor item. Disappointing.
Coke: $2.00.
Overall: 2/5. 
If not for the fantastic chips, this could’ve been worse. The priciest joint in the whole review. However, Willy-Bank gained some bonus points for a flirty attendant.
 
Botanical Gardens
Oil: Vegetable
Chips: $1.20. Cheap as chips (ha!). These proved to be very flavoursome, but strangely small. Not breaking any records (unlike las

t year), but definitely a pass mark.
Fish: $1.70. The batter was too salty.
Blue cod: $3.50. The actual fish itself was good: not overly oily, and quite fresh. However, the salty batter brought down the standard.
Hot dog: $1.60. A frankfurter dog, better complemented by the salty batter than the fish was.
Coke: $2.00.
Overall: 3/5. 
If they improved the taste of the batter (i.e. made it less salty), they would do a lot better. The joint was packed though, so it’s obviously popular with Valley kids. So much so that Critic was surprised not to see Nick Cage and Debbie Foreman. 
 
Maori Hill
Oil: Vegetable
Chips: $1.50. These had a funny taste, which the judges couldn’t quite put their finger on.
Fish: $1.90. Nothing to write home about here; not a bad piece of fish, but a bit too greasy and flavourless to be anything special. 
Blue cod: $3.90. Again, not amazing, but not poor either.
Hot dog: $1.90. Arguably the best item from Maori Hill. A tasty dog, well-received by the judges.
Coke: $1.80.
Overall: 2.5/5.
Nothing really stood out here, either good or bad. A sceptical cashier was somewhat disconcerting, especially as all we were doing was writing down prices.
 
The Flying Squid
Oil: Vegetable.
Chips: $2.00. These were classic takeaway chips. Crispy, flavoursome, and well salted. The ever-popular shoestrings are of course an option too.
Fish: $1.90. Great batter, a nice piece of fish.
Blue cod: $3.90. By far the best in the review, a fantastic piece of fish in excellent batter. Well worth the extra two bucks.
Hot dog: $1.80. A decent hot dog, keeping up the high standard of the Squid.
Coke: $2.00.
Overall: 4.5/5.
This stalwart establishment, the winner of the review, is a great place for takeaways. Squiddies always seems to deliver, be it for a full meal, or just a cheeky buck-er of shoestrings. Bit of a wait, though, so maybe ring ahead to ensure quick ball.
 
Golden Sun
Oil: Mixture of vegetable oil and fat.
Chips: $1.20. The only crinkle-cut chips in the review. Tasty enough, but a pretty piss-poor amount.
Fish: $1.70. Pretty standard really; the judges deemed it slightly above average. Bang for your buck.
Blue cod: $3.30. Quite nice, 7/10. Had it been slightly less oily, this would have been a very good piece of fish.
Hot dog: $1.40. Apparently the best of all the hot dogs. A frankfurter dog, nicely balanced with a salty batter. 
Coke: $2.00.
Overall: 3.5/5.
Not bad overall; however, when Critic rang to fact-check our prices, we were met with a rude woman who barely spoke English, and proceeded to hang up when we asked for a couple of prices. To seek revenge we prank-called them asking for more prices using the trademark nose-holding voice. Classic. 
 
Mei Wah
Oil: Animal fat. What’s up with this? All health benefits aside, this sounds fucking yuck.
Chips: $1.20. These were pretty much stock standard. Crispy and shit, yo. 
Fish: $1.80. Better than average, but not amazing.
Blue cod: $4.00. This was worse than the review standard. Lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. 
Hot dog: $1.50. Another frankfurter dog, much to this reviewer’s dismay. However, the general consensus deemed it a good dog. 
Coke: $2.00.
Overall: 2.5/5. 
Another mid-range joint. Nothing to really get you wet, but for convenience and price it’s not a bad option. The best venue for waiting, with tables, magazines, and, of course, a selection of arcade games. Very ‘90s.