The Great New Zealand Drug Review

The Great New Zealand Drug Review

Experimenting with altered states of consciousness is part of the human condition. Even in prehistoric times, scientists believe humans took ancient drugs to get high. 

With this in mind, Critic decided to conduct a highly scientific review of some drugs, for your enjoyment (but mostly for ours). Everyone tested a drug that they hadn’t yet tried, for purely scientific (and hilarious) purposes. 



By Dopey

This was the first time I ever smoked weed. I’ll admit, I’ve never been into drugs, opting for the soothing burn of Diesels instead to fuel my fun. However, when Critic approached me with an open trenchcoat, insisting I take their drugs, I couldn’t say no. Peer pressure is real, people. Critic is that seedy guy your primary school warned you about, the one that always fiercely insists you partake in their drugs, simply because they want to give away their drugs to strangers for free. 

Later that day in my room, I had a hit from a borrowed bong. Not much happened. So I had another. Then another. I couldn’t figure out why nothing was happened, until I realize that it takes longer than 10 seconds to work. Uh oh. Suddenly I was STONED. Like, Jimi Hendrix’s sweaty bandana level stoned. 

I felt very happy and warm, like I’d just had half a Christmas lunch and wasn’t too full, and presents would be coming soon. I lay on my bed for a while watching YouTube videos, giggling at everything and nothing. Suddenly, I was RAVENOUS. This must be the fabled ‘munchies’. I decided some sunglasses and a beanie would be an effective disguise to walk to Fatty Lane in, and after about eight attempts to use the self-service machine at Maccas, I emerged triumphant with a fuck-tonne of food. It tasted amazing. I didn’t want to stop eating, and it felt awesome to move my mouth. I decided to keep watching TV, and promptly fell asleep. 

The next day I woke up and didn’t feel like doing anything productive whatsoever, but otherwise no lasting hangover. Thanks Weed. 


Pros: Relaxing and mellow.

Cons: You’ll probably get fat and lazy.



By Bashful

My job was to try LSD. I’ll admit, I had been looking forward to tripping for some time. The knowledge that it was for “work” (hah!) somewhat assuaged my ever-present, inexplicably Catholic guilt, so I cleared my schedule on a Saturday and prepared to get fucking weird. I put one tab under my tongue and it took about half an hour to kick in, during which time I played some Uncharted on PS3. Drake and Sully started resembling fuzzy cardboard dudes and I realized that the acid was working! I stood up and took a deep breath. It felt like the most full, clean breath I had ever inhaled. The room breathed with me. Was this what it feels like to reallybreathe? Had I been sleepwalking through life? The vibrancy and luminescence of the world around me told me that yes – yes I had. Could this really be my scummy flat? It was BEAUTIFUL! I spent a few hours watching music videos, finding hidden deep meaning in Caravan Palace videos, and marveling at how incredible all music and animation is. Everything I looked at was like a work of art, even the most ordinary of items, and this was confirmed when I awoke the next day to a string of photos on my phone of weird things like the corner of a bench, that I must have thought looked amazing at the time. The trip lasted around 9 hours and it was the happiest day of my life. I felt so connected to the world around me and I felt so loved and free. Highly recommend this drug.


Pros: The universe understood me and I loved life. 

Cons: Tripping regularly means lots of scheduling conflicts, due to the length of the trip.



By Snow White

I always wondered what cocaine was like, having mainly seen it portrayed as a glamorous rock star and models drug, or on Metalocalypse as the drug of choice for Dr Rockso, the Rock n Roll Clown.

Our friendly office drug-dealer got me a small bag of powder, which was a little more blue than I expected (presumably NZ doesn’t get very pure stuff? Idk). 

I decided to utilize it by having a night out, so I did – what else? – Pint night. You’d better believe I spent most of the night standing outside talking to people and smoking darts. If you were there, I was the very bubbly conversationalist wearing a green dress, sucking back menthols and effusing about music and the environment and making you watch YouTube videos you didn’t even know existed, and didn’t really want to watch. I was on fire. I was the life of the party, Madame Butterfly, and the Wolf of Wall Street all rolled into one. My nose was humming with anticipation and the world sparkled with me as I retreated to the toilets every couple of hours to powder my nose. When I ran out of powder and the high wore off, I was sad. I wanted more. I got some Ritalin off a mate, and spent the rest of the night pretending I was still on coke. Memories were made, business deals were conducted and life plans were put in place. I was a girl with a plan. 

For that one night, at least. 


Pros: Me = king of the world

Cons: Can’t really afford this habit until sometime in the after-uni future.



By Grumpy

As a young eager journalist, I’ll do pretty much anything for a story, even losing all my money, home, relationships and teeth. So I agreed to be one of the Faces of Meth, at the risk of getting addicted from my first ever ingestion. Because that’s what we’re always taught, right? 

I wasn’t sure how to do the meth, but I knew a glass pipe could get me into a bit of trouble with Johnny Law, so I settled on the old nasal elevator. My “point” (0.1 of a gram) of meth was like a hard glass, so I took to it with a $5 note and my student ID card and worked it into a fine powder for my snorting pleasure. I was at home in my bedroom and had no idea what it would be like, but I had advance-warned my flatmates what was going down, so that if I started screeching and breaking everything and having anal sex with other meth-heads for money in the kitchen, they could try and hold me back from my machete-wielding bender. 

After about 15 mins, I was coming up like a game show cliffhanger after the ad break. I felt ALIVE. It was time to put my superhuman motivation and energy to good use. I started by tidying and organizing everything I owned in my bedroom. It felt good. I felt powerful. Next, I decided to treat my flatmates to some chores. I took everything out of the kitchen cupboards, cleaned them out and put everything back in order. I did the same thing with the fridge and chucked out old food. I jumped online and started having conversations with several different people, everything felt really good and I was Getting. Shit. Done. After a few hours, my motivation and energy had waned somewhat, so I chewed gum and hung out with my flatmates until it had worn off. I went to bed pretty late, but otherwise felt no need to get out the machete or pull out my own teeth.


Pros: Flat has never been cleaner.

Cons: Social stigma - if you do it, then do it in secret (or pretend it’s a classier drug like coke).



By Happy 

Oh, sweet MDMA - the cornerstone of every Dunedin breatha’s diet. Eager to finally become a Lad™, I was stoked with being assigned MDMA. After hearing countless Lads guffawing about the size of their pupils in photos and all the countless shenanigans like “stitch ups” and “dusty setups” that MDMA seems to provide, I was ready to dive in, Rodd & Gunn hat first. 

Knowing that I would want to probably dance and rub up on things, I decided to ingest my cap of MDMA on the Saturday night of the Pink concert, knowing full well that there would be many drunk middle-aged mums to rub up on in town. A fellow brother hooked himself up with some as well, in order to join me on my journey to Ibizathe Octagon. Within about half an hour of swallowing my cap, I was feeling very warm and very euphoric. Everything was exciting and the colours and lights took on an extra sense of adventure. The music was epic (considering I was in Mac’s Bar, this was definitely a product of the drug) and I was raring to go. I danced for hours, stopping only to go outside and smoke ciggies and become best friends with everyone in the vicinity. The world was my oyster and life was great. I ended up making out with a friendly chick for what felt like an hour solid and it felt amazing – my skin was sensitive and it felt good to do literally anything with my mouth. I was enjoying the shit out of my chewing gum, too. I went home and had a wank and it was incredible.



Cons: The next day I was coming down hard like Aucklanders to Otago Uni. Not fun. 



By Sneezy

I’ve tried acid before but never DMT and I was a little nervous. “It’s like the world turns to Lego, and it’s all colours and patterns!” I was told. The upside? No matter how intense it gets, it doesn’t last longer than a few minutes. After some Erowid research, I loaded a bong with flavoured herbal tobacco, and sprinkled some DMT on the top of the cone. It was a semi-sticky yellowy crystal substance, and I had no idea what I was doing. My friend sat with me, ready to take the bong from my hands, because apparently you slip into “DMT Land” pretty fast. I took a hit of honey tobacco/DMT, and just as I was about to start coughing, my body went into total relaxation and I completely forgot there was even air in my lungs – the cough never came. Breathing felt incredibly deep, it was a crazy sensation, and everything around me took on fractal-like patterns across the surfaces. Some music was playing and it enhanced the effects, and I gazed around in total wonder at how crazy and colourful everything looked. As I slowly breathed in and out really deeply, I closed my eyes to see what would happen. More fractals danced across my mind’s eye, and vivid colourful patterns filled my existence. I couldn’t believe how gorgeous everything was, and how light my body felt.

After about 5-10 minutes, I started to sober up a bit, and by 15 minutes I was completely sober, albeit with a warm glow about me. 


Pros: Seeing the world how I wish it really was.

Cons: The realization that this is not how the world really is.



By Sleepy

Magic mushrooms! My mates who have been to Bali/Thailand (or just the ones who hang around Dunedin wearing hemp ponchos from Yaks n Yetis) have all been telling me to try magic mushrooms for ages. So, in the name of legitimate work, I decided to finally take the plunge down the rabbit hole. Because I’m clueless, I took the entire amount that I was given, assuming it would be a single dose (my more experienced friends later told me I had more like 1.5 times the regular dose, but they thought it would be fun to let me fly a bit higher). The trip seemed to come and go in waves - it was surreal. I spent a long time looking at my hands, which were pulsating to music. I went to the Botans to commune with nature, and ended up running from a giant green moth through the playground. It was strangely not scary though, it felt like we were old friends playing tag. Later, lying in the grass, I spied some children with their mother and it really harshed my buzz. I realized that I didn’t want to be in public, so I headed home and lay on the floor of the lounge, listening to Fat Freddy’s Drop. Cliché, but fun. The entire day was spent in a euphoric state, but I felt a little anxious at times. Would definitely try it again though, maybe with a more sensible dose.


Pros: Colourful and surreal.

Cons: Children in proximity are not conducive to a nice trip.



By Doc

“Horse tranquilizer? You want me to try horse tranquilizer?” I asked the other writers. “Legally we can’t ask you to do that at all,” said my editor.

“Of COURSE I’m going to do it” I snorted. As if I wasn’t chomping at the bit.

Later that week, I snorted a line at home. I had read about a thing called a “k-hole”, which I didn’t want to find myself in while out at the pubs. Apparently you can’t move if you have too much ketamine, and I’m a big fan of moving. 

After about 20 minutes, I started really, really wanting to dance. I put on some tunes and danced in my room for a while, then, when I realized I wasn’t going to find myself all comatose, I decided to go to a party at a friend’s flat down the road. I eagerly chatted to people and danced like a maniac. When it started wearing off, I felt a bit sad. But then I remembered I hadn’t snorted all of it! I dashed home to jam the last of it up my eager nose, and then headed back to the party. The rest of the evening passed by in a whirlwind of happiness, fast conversations and dancing. I kissed at least three people, one of whom was another girl (a first for me) and life was grand.



Pros: So much fun to kiss people.

Cons: Burns to snort.

This article first appeared in Issue 23, 2018.
Posted 8:22am Tuesday 18th September 2018 by Critic.