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The first time I realised what this feeling actually meant, it felt as if I was in a horror movie. My first crush, that first denial, pushing all of these feelings and thoughts back thinking it is all a phase. Well, most things are a phase, right?

My denial was very strong. It was against my beliefs, being a Muslim and all; it was against how I was raised. So I stayed strong in denying until I just couldn’t take it anymore. Then I started itching to let it out, to stop denying it, because that surely wasn’t helping. The itch just kept getting worse and worse. When I was eighteen, I gave in to it. That’s when everything started to seem different. A new chapter, as I like to say, was starting to shape.
   The first thing that I thought of was my parents. It just feels so scary to talk to my parents about it. I mean, come on, I barely talk about boys; imagine talking about girls, especially when I know their views on stuff like this. That is a definite NO! It does make me sad: I wish I could talk to my family, but some things are best kept secret until the time is right. For now it is much better to keep them safe in the closet, just like myself. Everyone is different; some people have that courage to come out right away, but others, like me, do need time. 
   Having conversations with friends was so frustrating at times. It was all: he is so hot, he is so this and that. I mean, I was okay with it, but I also wanted to talk about girls! I just wanted to say, hey, that girl is pretty cute too! It felt so heavy on my chest to hide it all, to pretend I only liked guys. But I couldn’t help it, I just loved girls. And I wanted to share that with my friends. It felt like I was in high school all over again. One part of me said, no way should I tell them, they will totally freak! Whereas, the other part said just do it damn it, be brave for once! 
   My biggest concern was that my girls would think that I was checking them out, but I made sure to tell them that’s so not how it works. I’m not going to check out my friends just because I like girls.
   I went back and forth with this many times until one day, I finally told one of my friends. I finally got it off my chest; I said I like girls. 
   Turns out she was way cool about it. But after coming out to a couple of people and noticing how each person reacted after they found out, I have noticed one thing in particular. Everyone is different, and everyone will react differently to me coming out. In the end I was happy to have great people around me who understood. Some were supportive, and my best friend was way awesome about it. 
   Perhaps this is the best way to put it: being in a closet means hiding away from everybody else. This can have its advantages and disadvantages; it depends on how each person uses it. For me it was a way of protecting not only myself, but my family. I started to see the closet differently: it became, for me, a way for me to keep safe all the people I care for and feelings I treasured. 
   It does have its negative side, because at times I feel as if I’m not being myself and I’m trapped. And I’m not hiding who I am, just one part of who I am, if you get what I mean. I used to think of the closet idea as a very negative, ugly image, but I learned that it is a good thing in my life. It is okay to have it in my life and to know how to use it. I guess at one point, the closet will no longer exist but for now it does, at least for me. In front of some people I can be out, then in front of others, I step back into the closet. So, the closet has an open door and a closed door; or maybe half-closed half-open. It depends on how you think of it. But I have learned to see it in a positive way and take the negative aspects of it as a lesson to be learnt.
   I am writing this to let people who are like me know what I have been through and felt; to let you know that it is okay to feel the way you do, it is okay to explore yourself, and it is so okay to get help from Queer Support, because when I did, things changed and got so much better. This has been a much better year for me in terms of dealing with my sexuality. Meeting all these great people was an amazing adventure and opportunity. I treasure every moment. And I thank them for all the help and support they have given me.