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Country profiles.

Group A
 
South Africa:
Despite their measly FIFA ranking (90 at time of print), smart money is on South Africa to progress past the group. They will get the majority of the referee’s decisions, and will always have home crowd advantage, plus conditions and all the rest. They have a young but inexperienced squad, with only three of their players participating in the very top leagues. However, they will be pacey and determined, and out to impress. 
Player to Watch: Steven Pienaar has been in stunning form for his domestic team Everton, and may even be the target of some bigger clubs. He will be looking to boost his value this World Cup.
Fun Fact: This team only qualified because they are hosting the tournament.
 
Mexico:
Critic is gonna put it out there and say this Mexican team will be one of the most exciting teams to watch at this year’s World Cup, if they can find their feet early. If they can beat hosts South Africa in the first game of the competition, then odds are on for them to qualify for the next round. Anyone without a team this year should get behind the Mexicans. 
Player to Watch: Rafael Marquez is the Mexican with the most exposure, having been a solid member of the Barcelona backline for a number of years, winning the Champs league in 2006.
Young Player to Watch: Javier Hernandez will have many eyes on him after his big move to the legendary Manchester United earlier this year. He is a clean finisher and quick as shit. Expect a couple of goals at least.
Fun Fact: Mexico has beaten the United States twice as many times as they’ve lost to them. Maybe if the US set up a football academy in El Paso, Texas …
 
Uruguay: 
They might manage to sneak past the hosts and Mexico, but it will take some special skill to do this, and anyway they are guaranteed not to make it any further. The team doesn’t have a great record outside of South America. 
Player to Watch: Diego Forlan has been in stellar form for Atlético Madrid (isn’t that right, Liverpool?), and is always going to be a threat up front. 
Fun Fact: Uruguay won the first ever World Cup, beating Argentina 4-2 in 1930.
 
France: 
Despite talisman Henry being a cheating scumbag, France will always be a formidable opponent at the World Cup. They have a history of good play (as long as we ignore 2002), and while they aren’t favourites for this tournament, no team will be taking them lightly. Many in France are not happy about the direction that the coach, Domenech, is taking the squad. However, the French always exude confidence, and can perform under pressure.
Player to Watch: Florent Malouda has been one of the standout players in the successful Chelsea team this year. He is lighting quick and has a ridiculous finish, and is one of the younger players in an aging French side (despite being 29).
Young Player to Watch: Youann Gorcuff, of Bourdeax, will be looking to establish himself as a permanent fixture in the French side. He’s technically off the rocker. 
Fun Fact: France qualified by scoring a last-minute goal against the Irish, and the replays show Henry clearly uses his hand to knock the ball into the net.
 
Group B
 
Argentina:
Probably the second best place to put your money this year in terms of chance of winning:payout ratio. A 9:1 ratio seriously underestimates the quality that this side has. They also boast the best player in the world – Lionel Messi.
Despite being shit in the qualifications, no team will relax running out against these guys. As long as they can stick it out, they have a glorious chance of claiming the honours this year. Let’s just hope the coke fiend coach can lay off the rails to provide some useful decision-making.
Player to Watch: Lionel Messi. He makes straight guys gay, and gay guys explode. 
Young Player to Watch: Gonzalo Higuian. Mind-blowing domestic form, and was genuinely competing with CR9 for Real Madrid’s Golden boot. He lost, but he’s still mint. 
Fun Fact: Argentina has played 161 games against Uruguay, the most ever played between two teams.
 
Nigeria:
Nicknamed ‘The Super Eagles’ (that’s what happens when the naming job goes to the winner of a colouring-in competition), Nigeria have Swedish stronghold Lars Lagerbeck as coach; expect to see a traditionally fast and skillful team supplemented by some rigid defence. Wouldn’t bet against them progressing past the group stage.
Player to Watch: John Obi Mikel
Fun Fact: The Nigerian football team won gold in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, beating Brazil in the final.
 
Korean Republic:
These boys did well when they co-hosted the 2002 World Cup, providing one of the most exciting games of the tournament. They have a chance of getting out of their group, as long as they can break down a traditionally stoic Greek defence.
Player to Watch: Park Ji–Sung is the most successful Korean player to date, and that little terrier should exhaust any of his markers.
Fun Fact: South Korea beat current World Champions Italy to progress to the Semi’s in the 2002 World Cup.
 
Greece:
After surprising success in Euro 2004, and a reputation for strong defence, the Greeks have every chance of getting past the group stages in 2010. Most of their players play in the Greek domestic league, and a large portion for Panathinaikos, meaning this team will be used to one another’s playing styles, and might come out the blocks a bit faster than their Group B competition.
Player to Watch: Giorgos Karagounis will captain Greece this year, and is one of their most reliable players.
Fun Fact: The Greeks were paying 150:1 to win Euro 2004.
 
Group C
 
England:
Probably the most overrated and underperforming team on the world stage, England hopes to turn that around this year, under the direction of Italian Stallion Fabio Capello, who has been charged with the toughest job in football. Every four years the English press decides that this year will be the year that England will beat every team 10-0 and then run for President of the World … but it never quite happens like that. 
Player to Watch: Wayne Rooney (if he’s fit) will terrorise any defender in the world, especially after his insane domestic season.
Young Player to Watch: Joe Hart (if he makes the top squad). England has had shithouse goalkeepers since Seaman retired, but this kid looks like he could be the next big talent. Otherwise, keep an eye on Man City starlet Adam Johnston.
Fun Fact: England has only won the World Cup once, in 1966, despite inventing the fucking game.
 
United States:
‘Soccer’ has been growing steadily in the US, due largely in part to a strong domestic league. Most likely to come second in their group, but a cheeky outside bet on them coming first wouldn’t be a bad one.
Player to Watch: Landon Donovan is US soccer. Smart and versatile, and has had a good run recently with Everton.
Fun Fact: Sam’s Army, the United States’ reply to the Barmy Army, boasts 15 000 official members.
 
Algeria:
Called the Desert Foxes, they stole their way into the World Cup in a tense qualifier against Egypt. Won’t make it out of group C.
Player to Watch: Nadri Belhadj.
Fun Fact: Algerian football fans are a passionate bunch and are known to cause the odd diplomatic row. During the qualifying stages Algeria was beaten by Egypt, prompting riots and attacks on Egyptian fans. The Algerian Ambassador was summoned to the Foreign Ministry in Cairo, where “extreme dismay” was expressed about the Algerians’ behaviour.
 
Slovenia:
Good nuggety team. Both England and the US will need to have their wits about them if they want to take points off of Slovenia.
Player to Watch: Millivoje Novakovic.
Fun Fact: They played their first match in 1992 after the split of Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia in 1991. Before that, Slovenian players played for the Yugoslavian national team.
 
Group D
 
Germany:
One of the favourites to raise the cup in South Africa, the German team always proves a difficult bunch of players to beat. Like a ruthless German mistress they don’t take any shit, and have a very efficient and formulaic way of playing, which has done the goods for them in the past. They should charge out of Group D without dropping any points.
Player to Watch: Bastian Schweinsiteger. Despite having the name of an SS Guard, this guy is a phenomenal talent, and can be relied upon to pull the German team out of any rut.
Young Player to Watch: Thomas Muller, who currently plays for German side Bayern Munich, will be an impact player for the German team. He’s very quick, and has proved he has a good eye for goal.
Fun Fact: Germany has only been an international football team again for the last 20 years. From 1950-1990 it was called West Germany, because Stalin was a miserable bloke.
 
Australia:
The ‘Socceroos’ (cool bro) are on the rise in World Football. They have a number of players in the Premier League, and have attracted a lot of international attention recently, even notching up a win against England. Unfortunately, there is almost no chance of New Zealand playing them.
Player to Watch: Tim Cahill. Despite his celebration being the driest thing you’ve ever seen, he is a prolific goal scorer for Everton, and has played against the world’s top players.
Fun Fact: Australia lost the World Cup 20/20 to England. Get that in you, Shane Watson.
 
Serbia:
Strong team full of tough buggers. They make them strong in Serbia. Should be enough to combat the speed of the Africans, and they should smash the Aussies.
Player to Watch: Dejan Stankovic is capable of some ridiculous goals.
Fun Fact: Used to be called Yugoslavia up until 2006, when Serbia declared its independence from Montenegro.
 
Ghana:
First qualified for the World Cup in 2006; they were named FIFA’s most improved team. Fast and skillful, they will be a handful for any team that gives them the space.
Player to Watch: Sulley Muntari has just won Serie A with Inter, and will be rating his football at the moment.
Fun Fact: Kevin Prince-Boateng is the reason Micheal Ballack will miss Germany’s campaign, thanks to a tackle in the FA cup final.
 
Group E
 
Netherlands:
By all rights, this team should have won the World Cup at least once. They have had some ridiculous players over the years, but have always managed to choke when the pressure comes on. Anyone who watched them in Euro 2008 would understand why their odds of 13:1 to win are the best bet on the tournament outcome. If you have a loose $100, put it here.
Player to Watch: Robin Van Persie is back from injury, and he and his ski jump will be chomping at the bit to reaffirm that he is the new Bergkamp. 
Young Player to Watch: People are picking Ryan Babel as the young player of the tournament. Hasn’t had a fair go at Liverpool, but has the potential to be godlike. 
Fun Fact: They were the first team to qualify for the World Cup, with a 100 percent record.
 
Denmark:
Denmark has only qualified for the World Cup three times before South Africa, but the team has a good record of progression. Their group is reasonably tough, but they are a safe bet to come through after the Dutch.
Player to Watch: Nicholas Bendtner will be looking to spearhead his team’s attack, and increase his value. Strong front-man with a good finish. 
Fun Fact: Their current coach has been with them for a decade, and the team’s nickname is after him (the Olsen Gang).
 
Japan:
Japan has always promised lots but been unable to deliver. They play a stylish passing game, but lack the finishing quality needed to really pose a threat. In a qualifying group with the Netherlands, Denmark, and Cameroon, Japan’s path is not an easy one, especially since their honest goal is a final four finish (no shit).
Player to Watch: Shunsuke Nakamura.
Fun Fact: Japan was once ranked ninth-best team in word (1998).
 
Cameroon:
Africa’s most successful side has qualified six times for the World Cup; they have a quality team, and one of the world’s best strikers in Samuel Eto. Crunch match against Denmark to decide the group.
Player to Watch: Samuel Eto is one of the world’s best strikers. Quick and smart, he can turn a match on its head if he has to. 
Fun Fact: This team once played in unitards, but FIFA declared it illegal and homoerotic.
 
Group F
 
Italy:
The Azzurri, the current world champions, are the second most successful international team. They play intelligent, stylish football, and half their team looks like male models (that Cannavaro is a pearl), so you can get that nagging wench of a girlfriend to sit still for 90 minutes while you soak up some of the best footy on the planet. They will play the All Whites, who narrowly lost to them 4-3 in 2009. The Azzurri should stomp us, but stranger things have happened.
Player to Watch: Probably keep your eye on keeper Gianluigi Buffon. Stunning shot stopper.
Young Player to Watch: Guiseppe Rossi has the makings of a World Class forward, and is in the running for Young Player of the Tournament.
Fun Fact: Italian girls are hot. This may or may not have any thing to do with why their team is good.
 
Paraguay:
New Zealand group-mates Paraguay did well to qualify out of South America, including a 1-0 over Argentina to secure their qualification in a World Cup for the seventh time. They probably will beat the All Whites, but you never know …
Player to Watch: Ex-Ryan Nelsen team mate Roque Santa Cruz is a classy striker and is guaranteed at least three goals this tourney.
Fun Fact: Came second at 2004 Olympics in Athens.
 
New Zealand:
The All Whites are attending the 2010 World Cup for only the second time in their history. After a record-breaking qualifier against Bahrain, where Rory Fallon brought the pants down at Wellington’s Westpac Stadium with a first half-headed goal, and Mark Paston sent them into a full blown Football Orgasm with a penalty save, the All Whites arrive at South Africa hoping for the best, despite being labeled as massive outsiders (1:1000). New Zealand’s coach, slick Ricki Herbert, has been the architect of ‘the second coming’ after three years of juggling the national team with the increasingly successful domestic team the Wellington Phoenix. While much may not be expected from the All Whites this June, hopeful New Zealanders can all learn a lesson from Senegal, who beat then-reigning World Champions France in the opener of the 2002 World Cup, despite similar odds.
Player to Watch: Goal-scoring machine Shane Smeltz, with his A-League record, is the All Whites’ best chance for competition goals.
Young Player to Watch: Winston Reid is a Danish youth international who has defected to his home country just in time for the World Cup. He is known as one of the most exciting young players in Denmark.
Fun Fact: All Whites was also the name of the South African Rugby team that toured New Zealand in 1981.
 
Slovakia:
Also known as ‘the All Whites’ best chance for a competition point’. All the good players went to the Czech Republic after the split, and Slovakia got the drift. Pay attention to this All Whites match, the boys could get up, and that would be the meanest bro.
Fun Fact: They have the most boring nickname, Repre, which literally means ‘represent’. Did Ali G come up with it?
Fun Fact: The first team they ever played was Germany in 1939 – and they won.
 
Group G
 
Brazil:
Who? Ahhhh … just jokes, bro. Brazil is undoubtedly the best national football team ever, and they have the trophy case to back it up. Brazil has won the competition five times (that’s the most), and they set the benchmark for international standards, and are deserved co-favourites this time around. They are in this year’s ‘Group of Death’, but only a miracle would not see them qualify top. If anyone wants to see how football should be played, watch a Brazilian match. Their style of football is like the wax of the same name: clean, sexy, and fucking exciting.
Players to Watch: All of them.
Young Players to Watch: Nilmar Da Silva currently plays for Villarreal in the Spanish League, and is a blinding young talent. If he can get Luis Fabiano to pass him the ball (hard task), we might be lucky enough to see some of his skill.
Fun Fact: Their coach has already won the World Cup in 1994. Greedy bastard. 
 
Portugal:
Spain’s little brother got a hard go of it in the Group Selection, drawing Brazil and Côte d’Ivoire in their group, the Group of Death. A must-watch match will be the game between Portugal and the African team, but odds are that Portugal should take this out. This match will decide who comes second in the group. Portugal often suffer from being overrated because of the reputation of a few of their stars, so if they can get their heads down and not get to far in front of themselves, they have every chance of going relatively far.
Player to Watch: Cristiano Ronaldo is the second-best player in the world. As long as he stays on his feet, he will be in scintillating form this World Cup.
Young Player to Watch: Nani has started to put in some quality domestic performances, and as long as he isn’t overshadowed by his old teammate, he is sure to do something special this year.
Fun Fact: The team’s nickname, ‘Selecção das Quinas’, directly translates into ‘Selection of Machines’.
 
Côte d’Ivoire:
The Ivory Coast boasts some of the world’s best players, but is unfortunate to be in the Group of Death. Even if they manage to beat Portugal, they will probably get smashed out of the group stage. They are gonna be exciting and flashy, and may give us some of the best goals this time around, but avoid putting your money on this team. A lot of punters will lose coin on them.
Player to Watch: Didier Drogba is one of the game’s best strikers and biggest personalities. He is coming off the back of a successful domestic season, and will be looking to show his shit off on the worlds biggest stage.
Fun Fact: This season the team is being coached by Sven-Goran ‘the Predator’ Eriksson. It would be ironic if he managed to get this lot further than the Poms.
 
Korea DPR:
They don’t have a hope of winning any game, and they round out the Group of Death. However, if you travel to North Korea, you will find that they did in fact win the 2010 World Cup, despite what you saw. And how dare you think otherwise.
Fun Fact: North Korea has outlawed fun, so this fact couldn’t be completed.
 
Group H
 
Spain:
This team is co-favourite alongside Brazil, and with good reason. Despite an international record that isn’t great, they are hitting their straps, and probably have the best-known team in the world. Spain plays quality football, and it’s hard not to go camping when you watch them play. They are coming off the back of Euro 2008 victory, and will be gutted if they don’t win this year’s tournament.
Player to Watch: They are all insane. Don’t make us pick.
Young Player to watch: Pedro Rodriguez has played some downright sexy football recently.
Fun Fact: They have the shared hottest streak in international football, unbeaten for 35 games from 2007-2009.
 
Chile:
Chile did well in qualifying and is contesting the second place in a tight Group H, favourites to qualify after Spain. Expect a good game when they play.
Player to Watch: Gary Mendel.
Fun Fact: Their nickname is ‘everybody’s team’, which is a blatant lie.
 
Honduras:
Another team making only their second appearance in the World Cup, Honduras could surprise everyone with a sneaky qualification from Group H.
Player to Watch: Wilson Palacios.
Fun Fact: Honduras were beaten 10-1 by Guatemala in their first-ever international game.
 
Switzerland:
Despite the success of the U-17 side at the 2009 World Cup, not much is expected from the Swiss at this World Cup. If they manage to keep the South Americans out they may qualify, but every team in their group will be looking to take maximum points from the Swiss.
Player to Watch: Hakan Yakin.
Fun Fact: Switzerland’s biggest defeat was 9-0 at the Hands of Hungry. They almost lost their footballing appetite.