The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails.
If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz
Minnie
The night started nervously at 7:00 pm with a fine bottle of Shiraz which was quickly polished off before starting my journey to the restaurant. Not wanting to be late I ran all the way there, but got a little bit toasty and had to strip down butt naked in the bathroom to try and cool down. As I came out of the bathroom I was surprised to see my date sitting at the table. I approached her and me oh my, she was the most beautiful leggy blonde I’ve ever seen. It was either my short sightedness or the wine starting to kick in, but as I got closer to the table I seemed to have met this chick before. Turns out she had already made a guest appearance at the flat, making a hasty exit out the front door in the morning. The ice had already been broken which was good, and we got right down to business. We ordered a round of drinks and got talking about how she rides translucent steeds through the mists of Avalon, and how law is treating her. After a few more rounds she thought it would be best to do absinthe shots, so we ordered them and chucked them back. Not gonna lie, it had been a while since my last shot of absinthe, so was kind of nice to have that burning sensation and not being able to speak for a couple of minutes after it. Once the tab had run out we thought we would keep sending it as the night was still young, so we ventured towards the Baaa Bar to keep the night going. The walk got a little bit hazy, but like all good drunken walks we were at the bar in no time. We got in and sang our hearts out and had an awesome night. Keeping in mind I didn’t want to be tunnel buddies with my flatmate, I went home to bed once the karaoke was over to end the night. Feeling like the night was successful I messaged her wondering how her night went. To my surprise she told me that I had gotten a lifetime ban from Macca’s last night and she had the best time of her life. So the night was somewhat a success. Cheers to Critic and Dog with Two Tails for an awesome night.
Mickey
Nerve-wracked but hopeful I took a seat at our table just as my date comes out of the bathroom. With gorgeous copper locks and eyes you could get lost in he sits down and, as I’m swooning, he says romantically, “well fuck, I shaved for this,” and, “I guess it could be worse”. Yeah well great to see you too babe, looks like we both got stitched up here but what’s between two friends a bar tab [sic].
He was a 4th year zoology student who surfed in his spare time, but I already knew that.
As the restaurant filled up we realised it was jazz night, which my date decided was the perfect opportunity for him to showcase his skills on the piano.
While I defended his seat from the incoming jazz-fans he bravely approached the band, from which he was politely but quite firmly rejected (#1). Upon his return he was asked by a fellow patron what he intended to play, to which he replied “maybe some Six60 or Sticky Fingers.” At jazz night. Go figure.
With his ego still surprisingly intact after such a humiliating event, my date and I decided to meet up with friends for karaoke at Baaa Bar, thinking surely there he could showcase his musical talent. Despite barely being able to walk straight, he insisted on stopping at the liquor store on the way out for no less than a bottle of 1.4 standard raspberry-lime Rekorderlig cider. Classic in a Year 12 pre-ball kind of way.
Further down George St he stopped to educate a member of the general public about manta rays, saving the oceans, and all that jazz (triggered).
At the Baaa, unsurprisingly my date was bounced (rejection #2), and told to go sober up. This guy has admiral [sic] resilience because he stuck around and after obtaining a receipt for a cheeseburger he was in and ready to impress.
A few songs later we all headed to Macca’s to finish off the night. For some unknown reason my date decides to start throwing our drinks across the restaurant. Understandably he was promptly dragged out of the establishment (rejection #3), although he had to have the last word by relieving himself on the pavement outside.
Safe to say that was the end of the night and we both went our separate ways.
Cheers Critic for the not-so-blind date, and to the Dog with Two Tails for a great night.